So you want to
find a Domme?
Please note.
This is a delurk and relates only to my observations and
experience. I apologise in advance for any offence given.
So, you want to find a Domme? Well, I have been successful
several times in this respect, so there is no reason why
you should not be. Although I do not belong to one at the
moment, I have had many excellent experiences that I will
treasure forever. I have not found the perfect one for me
yet, but it is only a matter of time. Where are they? I
hear you ask. Just look around, you can see them almost
everywhere. They are the ordinary people you see every day.
Do you think that the women that post to these type of
newsgroups wear their thigh length boots and carry a whip
24 hours a day? Of course not. (Well, some might:-) They
are, to most of the ones who know them, 'ordinary' people.
My relationships have been with 'ordinary' people. So, how
do you broach the subject? In my view, you have to be
fairly open from the start. I do not mean that you should
go up to a girl in a bar and ask her to string you upside
down from the ceiling and whip you to within an inch of
your life, or leap out of the closet in a rubber catsuit
and hood, hand her a selection of shackles and lay on the
bed saying "Take me, take me". (But if you know a club like
that, let me know :-) You have to introduce these things
gradually. Be subtle. Remember, they may not have done
these sort of things before, though they may have fantased
about them for years. The results could surprise you. (They
have me - often! :-) You may even end up scared of just how
fast things are progressing. Most people (66% according to
surveys) have a Domme or sub side to them and have either
tried or fantasised about bondage. I have met women at all
levels from the ones who just want to tie you up to the
ones who are only interested in how long they can make the
whip marks last! Believe me, they are all out there, you
only have to ask. (Gently:-)
And it does not matter much how you look, as long as you
are clean, interesting and articulate. Looks do not count
much, it is what is inside that matters. (You cannot see
what a person looks like in a hood and bondage suit:-)
After all, I am no oil painting. Imagine something between
Timothy Dalton (the last James Bond) and Chris from
Northern Exposure. Now add pierced nipples and very long
hair and you are not too far off. (Must be the long hair
that attracts them). Of course, if you have the face and
body of a modern day Adonis, it cannot hurt :-)
Just remember, a Domme, whether fully fledged with their
own extensive dungeon and wardrobe, or novice with a few
lengths of rope, is a PERSON, not just an Icon. You may
build up in your mind a picture of the perfect Domme for
you (Catwoman for me please! :-), but you must be wary of
falling into the trap of thinking that if you finally meet
a Domme, they will instantly transport you into your
fantasy world, where all the scenarios you have imagined
will suddenly become true. Remember, you are dealing with a
person, who will have at least as many fantasies as you and
the chances of them being an exact match are pretty slight.
You have to work together, discuss the sort of things that
turn you both on.
Let me site an example. The last Mistress who owned me
loved to see someone obviously male dressed in women's
clothes. (OK, rubber one's; stockings, mini-skirt etc.) She
liked to use a large (and I mean LARGE, 10" long by 2.5"
thick) strap-on, but first, she would force me to perform
deep-throat with it (and it is not as hard as you think).
Unfortunately, when she first suggested (OK, ordered, with
whip in hand) this, I thought that it was not something
that appealed to me. Was this a huge problem? Was the dream
about to be shattered? NO. Just because a thing does not
appeal to you does not mean that you should not try it.
Although the clothes still did nothing for me, the sight of
her, almost dripping wet with desire, LITERALLY crossing
her legs in ecstasy at the sight was enough to give me a
massive turn-on. It was not the clothing, but her reaction
that gave me the pleasure. You MUST be willing to give in a
relationship, not just try to take what the Domme has to
offer. What I am trying to say is that a relationship that
is S&M is actually much more about give and take than a
vanilla one, and needs a LOT of work to succeed. She will
have many ideas that she would like to try, just as you
will, you must compromise. Similarly, there will be things
that one of you would never want to do, that the other
does. Ideas and limits will gradually stretch and broaden
naturally, it is not something that you have to consiously
work at. Just let things take their course and do not rush.
Unfortunately, sooner rather than later, you will come
across a situation where a scene that is the most erotic of
your life will suddenly collapse into worse than nothing.
Those ropes will suddenly hurt, you will ache, be
uncomfortable, want to be released. The cause may be
anything from a misplaced whip stroke (across the testicles
is the best scene killer for me) to a wrong sentence or
word, even a laugh at the wrong place. These things happen.
I would advise you not to continue at this point. Remember,
no matter how you feel, the Domme will feel a million times
worse. There can be a sudden and complete loss of
confidence and they may never want to try that sort of
scene again. This is the time to take them in your arms,
hug them and give them a kiss and plenty of reassurance,
not go howling around the bedroom (cellar, dungeon,
whatever :-) complaining about things no matter how you
feel. We all make mistakes (although we are not allowed to
tell this to a Domme :-). We all have feelings, every one
of us, no one is 100% confidant. You must realise that
these things are just a fact of life and happen to us all
(mondo flame coming in from the skilled ones out there :-)
and you must accept this. Try to forget it and try again
another time, and try not to be nervous, because remember,
they will probably be quaking in their (thigh-length)
boots.
If, in your search for a Domme, you decide to advertise, do
not use phrases like "I will do anything" because they know
that is not true. There are some things that you would
NEVER do. For instance, I like being scratched, having my
nipple rings pulled and tweaked, C&B torture, hot wax,
sensory deprivation, strap-on's etc (I will not bore you
with a full list, if you are interested, you will have to
e-mail me :-), but ONLY within the context of a scene, some
(the more painful ones) only after the "endorphin high" has
kicked in. If someone were to pour hot wax on my nipples
when I was sunbathing for instance, it would be extremely
painful., not pleasurable as in a scene. (I leave to your
own imagination where else I like the wax :-) So be
realistic, if (for instance) you do not like a large amount
of spanking, SAY SO. It will be appreciated in the end. Do
you think that if you tell lies and are lucky enough to
become the property of Domme, that things will work out OK?
If you are truthful from the start, they can bypass your
advert and look for something THEY want, saving both of you
a lot of grief and heartache. Dommes are looking for
specific people too, they do not want to waste their time
(even I, at 31 start to think it is running out) with
someone who they will take a lot of time to get to know,
then have to break up from. It is very unlikely that you
will meet at 8pm and be tied to the bed by 8.30. You have
to get to know and trust each other. If you are not adverse
to trying things, then say so, they may well decide to
participate in your education. If not, respect their
decision. Remember the line from the song "and they said,
any love was good lovin', so I took what I could get"?
Well, this is totally wrong, you are wasting your own time
and theirs, which is more precious. (IMO). If you are
truthful in your advert, you are far more likely to find a
closer match.
Above all else, I wish you good luck, for even if you do
not find that absolute perfect match, the time you both
spend finding out will be with you always, will help to
broaden your horizons (remember the deep-throat? :-) and
may help you closer define what is the perfect partner. I
hear you ask why have I got no partner at the moment? Well,
I will be moving to the States soon and the scene is much
wider over there and though the times I have had have been
exquisite, though I am still looking, I know She is out
there