Survival for Dommes
by
Owlle
After my last post I received several email requests from
dommes wondering when I was going to offer *them* some
pointers. So okay gals, here goes.
When
dommes find themselves encountering a less than warm
welcome in #Femdom, it's often because they've either not
grasped or ignored certain channel courtesies. Ignoring
some of these may not get you kicked or banned, but can
certainly sour the atmosphere against
you.
1. Femdom is not a "netsex" channel in the sense that
everyone is there to *play*, either in open or message, but
a moving community of people interested in D/S. Folks do
find partners, and even soulmates (he channel is working on
its third or fourth marriage now....) but the core is an
environment where folks interrested in D/S can be among
friends, and talk about a variety of things, including D/S
of course.
2. #Femdom etiquette stresses *consensuality.* Not every
submissive will be willing to submit to *you* , either in
private or in open. Though a few dommes permit their subs
to engage in casual play, many dommes do not even permit
their subs to be excessiveley deferential to other dommes.
Many subs are sufficiently enamored of, and loyal to their
domme that they may react quite sharply to another dommes
presumption on their own accord. Nor is every submissive
without a domme necessarily "available"--they may be
searching for the partner of their dreams, a soulmate, and
be intensely disinclined to accept indiscriminant or casual
play.
3. To avoid embarassing you *and* the sub, take the time in
private to ask "do you have a domme, and does she mind you
playing ?" and "would you be interested in playing?" before
you imperiously order one to kneel, or take any other sort
of liberty. It's also best to do a little loose negotiation
to find out what *sort* of play is acceptable before
launching an open scene, so you don't find yourself
abruptly minus a squicked partner.
4. Failure to do this can lead to being told in no
uncertain terms to back off, either by the sub, the sub's
domme, or one of the other regulars on channel who observes
you trespassing, or otherwise acting
nonconsensually.
5. This is #Femdom, not #Femsupremacy. For the most part,
you'll find little patience with sexist attitudes and
dribble of any flavor, INCLUDING the one that men are
inferior to women and therefore *should* be subservient.
Male or female, on #Femdom a submissive is not viewed as
"inferior" but as someone who has an inclination or need to
submit, and who chooses to do so. A domme who comes into
the channel and sneers "all males kneel" or "how dare you
speak to me, you worthless worm" when greeted cordially by
a male sub is out of line, and apt to be warned and
kicked.
6. How a domme and her sub interact with each other is
their business, of course, but outside that relationship a
submissive on channel, male or female, has the right to be
treated with respect. Refusing to treat other members of
the channel, domme or sub, with respect will get you
kicked, or even banned from the channel.
7. There IS no "one true way" in D/S, so don't expect to be
received warmly if you behave as if *your* vision of it IS.
Yes, some folks embrace the concept of "training" a
"worthless sub" and expect a "well-trained" sub to act in a
specific manner in the presence of other dommes (kneeling,
eyes averted), others do not and will have no patience with
caustic observations that they, or their submissives, are
"poorly trained." Some subs will be deferential, but all
you can EXPECT from submissives who are not yourse is the
same politeness and respect you are expected to show
them.
8. Similarly, you don't *have* to be arrogant,
condescending, abrasive or otherwise behave unpleasantly to
be seen as a domme. You just have to have the desire and
ability to *be dominant.* Some dommes are stern and
autocratic, some are not. Some maintain an air of aloof
unapproachability, others are downright
*cuddly*.
9. Consentuality applies to the other dommes as well.
Untilaterally ordering your sub to crawl around the channel
and lick the feet of all the other dommes may *seem* like a
good idea, but if you haven't obtained their permission
beforehand you are attempting to involve them in your scene
nonconsensually. Consensuality can have some fine shadings,
too....some dommes don't like to be called "Mistress" by
subs who are not *theirs* (or even at all)....others may be
unwilling to use forms of address (whether nicknames or
epithets) they find personally repugnant. In any case, the
exception isn't meant to challenge your authority over your
submissive, but an apparent presumption of authority over
*her*.
10. Where HNG males posing as women and trolling for netsex
under false pretenses are distinctly *unwelcome* in
#Femdom, submissive men using female nicks or dommes who
are transvestites or transgenders are *not.* Be aware the
person behind a female nick might be someone you consider
"male," but so long as "he" is not deceiving play partners
or otherwise involving folks nonconsensually it's okay for
him to be there. Similarly, there are male doms who *enjoy*
the company of female dominants. So long as they are not
domming in channel, or sending unwanted messages, they are
welcome also.
11. This is a time to remind folks that IRC can be an
anonymous medium. I believe most of the folks I've met are
ethical, but if it really *matters* to you if someone else
is male or female, married or single, or rich or slim or
young or redhaired, get time to *know* them before letting
yourself reach a point where the truth comes as a painful
or humiliating revelation.
12. Folks in BDSM take safety seriously, and acting in a
manner that appears dangerous whether from ignorance or
disregard of your partner's well being is likely to be
challenged.
13. Your Kink may be Okay, but not *everyone* is eager to
see it. #Femdom is not simply a *scene* room packed with
voyeurs. There is open play of course, of varying degrees
of intensity, and most folks will take pains not to
interfere in a scene out of courtesy, but in general scenes
between folks known to the channel are more warmly received
than those between total strangers, or from people who
visit ONLY to conduct scenes. This is particularly relevent
when the style of play is extreme.
14. Be aware that scat, CBT, anal/dildo play, watersports
or whatever are not everyone's cup of tea. You probably
won't get kicked for engaging in a public scene that
squicks folks--and will undoubtedly find a few visitors to
be wildly appreciative-- but don't be surprised if the
room's overall temperature goes *down* instead of up.
Wildly extreme scenes can empty the room
rapidly.
15. If you aren't sure a scene will be well-received by the
majority, it's perfectly acceptable to conduct it in
another channel, and invite folks who want to watch to drop
in. "Hey, eveyone is welcome to watch the hot
fill-in-the-blank scene going in channel so_and_so
."
16. Remember, that the population/mood/interest of the
channel is dynamic, rather than static, and its range of
membership varies from those who live in fulltime d/s
relationships, to those who only play on IRC, to those who
are only not looking to play at all, either in RL or IRC,
but to explore an aspect of their
personality.
17. Sometimes there will be folks interested in talking or
engaging in roleplay with you, sometimes there won't. You
might drop in and find a scene going on that everyone is
absorbed in, or that a good number of the folks are
distracted by private messaging. Don't let it discourage
you...just try again another time.
18. In my experience it helps not to carry a *chip* on your
shoulder. It's possible to stand up for yourself without
blowing folks out of the water for minor transgressions,
and though everyone has days when they don't feel
particularly tolerant, in general I think you'll find the
channel more enjoyable without a combative
attitude.
19. In particular, many new subs know nothing more about
D/S and dommes than what they have read in "one-handed"
magazines, but will respond readily to a bit of guidance. I
mean, come ON now, they are *submissives.* (grin).
Seriously, more than a few of the respected and well-liked
subs on channel admit they started out acting like clueless
HNGs. In general you serve the channel community better
(and increase the population of clueful and friendly subs)
by giving a bit of help and advice.
20. This item added by LadyStorm at Owlle's
request:
Remember that not all of the women on #Femdom are dominant,
there are submissive women as well. Don't assume that all
submissives with female nicks are automatically feminized
men.
Last,
but not least, a parting flurry of one-size-fits all (domme
and sub) advice. Because #Femdom gets more than its share
of tourists, you may find it takes days or even weeks
before you find yourself being greeted as enthusiastically
as you see others being received. Be patient, be polite,
and participate, and you'll find folks coming round.
Conversely, we're a fairly forgiving lot, so if you do find
you've started off on the wrong foot, you can *still*
recover.
Owlle
Copyright
Dana Palmer, 1996.
5753
accesses, last modified Tuesday, 04-Feb-97 17:17:35
PST