On Patience
Or, How Do I Get A Dom, Anyway?
by
Ms Margo
I am
very often asked by novice submissives what they need to do
to find a Dominant. My first response to them is always: Be
Patient. You will find that in the scene the ratio of
submissives to Dominants is greater than 3:1. But not all
of those submissives are "good" submissives - ones that a
Dominant would be interested in spending his or her time
with. Your job is to make yourself stand out from the
crowd.
This is the first point where patience comes into play.
Although you certainly have to approve of your Dom, you
need them to approve of you, and want to play with you.
This won't happen if you pester the Dom, or make comments
like, "I've been on the Net for a week! Come on!" A
Dominant is a Dominant _person_ and you should treat them
with respect and courtesy. Just because they are a
Dominant, they are under no obligation to use their talents
in the Dominant arts on you.
Some submissives look for years to find a Dominant with
whom they can have satisfying play. It's much the same as
trying to find a compatible boyfriend or girlfriend, but
with the added criterion that the person must be
scene-compatible with you as well. Take your time and be a
little choosy. You will be much more likely to have good
scenes with someone that you are truly compatible and feel
comfortable with, then you would be with the first Dom to
come along.
Impatient and pushy submissives don't get very far with
Dominants. We may like brats, but we don't like jerks. If
you push too hard we will simply step to the side and watch
you fall on your face. The good Dominants also talk to each
other. Word will get around if a submissive has a bad
reputation; word will also get around if a submissive has a
good reputation. Dominants will also occasionally ask each
other for recommendations on a particular submissive. If
you have been a jerk with one Dominant, it will make it
harder for you to be accepted by other Dominants.
Being patient doesn't mean being a piece of furniture,
though. If you have an interest in a Dominant, try to get
to know them. If you see them in IRC, say hello to them and
try to engage them in conversation. Don't just sit there
saying nothing and waiting for them to talk to you, most
likely they won't. Try to find out what title they prefer
(Mistress, Lady, Master, Sir, etc.) and use it. Read their
posts well and try to get a feel for the aspects of the
scene that appeal to them. These are good things to try to
engage them in conversation on. Don't immediately send them
a chat/talk request. If after getting to know a Dominant,
you would like to speak privately with them, a polite
message of, "Would you like to chat privately?", is more
likely to get you an acceptance. If they say "no", don't
whine about it. We do not pay our access to the Net just to
be available whenever someone wants to hot chat. Telling a
Dominant how horny you are will usually only get you
laughed at. On BBS's, if you see a Dominant that you are
interested in log-on, you may page/message a polite hello,
but don't keep paging them, especially if they are in e-
mail. Finally, don't ask a Mistress what she is wearing. We
are so sick of hearing it, that it has become a joke!
Often I am asked in IRC, via message, to accept someone I
just met as my submissive. If that person has a true
interest in being my submissive, then they can take the
time to write me a request for submission. Some Dominants
have a form or questionnaire that they give to potential
submissives, but a sincere letter will usually suffice. It
should describe your interests and desires in at least some
detail ("I like submission" doesn't cut it), describe your
experience in the scene, and tell why you are interested in
the Dominant that you are writing to. Spelling and grammar
do count. There are two common mistakes here. First,
writing to a Dominant who is not interested in what you
are. Check their posts if in doubt. Second, sending a
request for submission to every Dominant in the Western
world. As I said before, we talk to one another. Be patient
and wait to find one Dominant whom you think would be a
good play partner and then write them a sincere letter. Be
patient on a response too. Some Dominants don't bother to
answer unsolicited petitions, but even those that do get a
lot of mail.
Don't become discouraged. While you are being patient
waiting for the right Dominant to come along learn about
the scene and socialize in it if possible. Read the
newsgroups and FAQ's for information. If you have
questions, post them. If nothing else, it will get you
mail. Read scene related books and magazines, not just to
look at the pictures. Go to scene events, such as the
various Fantasy Nights or NLA meetings. By going to these
events you have the opportunity to meet more people in the
scene, or to meet someone in your area that you have talked
to on-line. People that you meet can provide good referrals
and introductions to Dominants.
And remember, the best things are always worth waiting for.
V