11 September 1994
Where the kinky knowledge resides!
Please send additions, suggestions, etc. to robj@netcom.com
If this posting appears truncated or damaged, contact me,
also.
This FAQ list is copyrighted. The full copyright notice
appears at
the end of each part of the list; please respect it.
Books could be and are being written about these questions;
remember,
this is a thumbnail FAQ list. If you learn anything from
this list,
hopefully it will be how many questions there are to ask,
and how much
there is to learn! If you're concerned or curious about
issues that
you feel are breezed over here, see the very end of this
FAQ for a
list of wonderful books and sources of more information.
And if you
want more ideas or discussion about anything, well, what
else is
alt.sex.bondage for?
This document contains explicit sexual information. If you
do not
wish to view such information, I advise you to skip this
document. If
you believe this document itself is obscene, I ask you to
read my
response to question 20 in part 2 (you can search forward
for the
number "20" without needing to read the intervening
material).
Questions answered in this list (answers which include
safety infor-
mation are flagged with **):
1. What do B&D, S&M, D&S, "top", "bottom" mean?
2. What is a "scene", and what is "negotiation"?
** 3. What is a "safeword"?
4. When is pain not pain?
** 5. What are some basics of safe SM, emotionally and
physically?
6. Is everyone either a top or a bottom?
7. How can I learn to be a good top?
8. How can I learn to be a good bottom?
** 9. Why is bondage fun?
** 10. Why is whipping fun?
** 11. What is body piercing? What is "C&B" play, or
"genitorture"?
** 12. What is cutting/burning/branding/electrical play?
** 13. What is it about breath control? Is it safe to make
someone
pass out?
** 14. What are "golden showers"? How about "scat"?
** 15. Is anal sex safe? Why do people do it?
** 16. What is "fisting"?
17. Does the way I play qualify as "real" SM? What is
"real" SM,
anyway?
18. What is it about leather/latex/high heels/corsets/other
fetishes?
19. What about shaving body hair and/or crossdressing?
20. Why am I defending SM?
21. Is SM degrading or abusive? Were most SM people abused?
22. Why is SM taboo, and is SM criminal, unnatural,
immoral, unethical, or unhealthy?
23. Isn't the bottom always in control?
24. Can someone _really_ be someone else's slave?
25. What are the "codes"?
26. My fantasies scare me. What if I get too into SM?
27. I want to throw a play party; how do I go about it?
28. I want to attend a play party; what is the etiquette?
29. What's the deal with this anonymity stuff?
30. Are SM people being politically and socially harassed?
31. Why are there so many postings about
{whipping/pain/slavery/gay
sex/nonconsensuality/etc} on a.s.b? Doesn't that stuff
belong
somewhere else?
32. I'm sick of certain topics on a.s.b. How can I avoid
them?
33. I don't have access to alt.sex.bondage; what can I do
to get
information about the scene?
34. What are some books/magazines/organizations/stores/news
archives
where I can get SM information or toys, or meet people in
the
scene?
-------------------------------------------------------------------
1. What do B&D, S&M, D&S, "top", "bottom" mean?
The easy part first: B&D = "bondage & dominance" or
"bondage &
discipline." S&M = "sadism & masochism." D&S =
"dominance &
submission."
People who read a.s.b are generally interested in ways to
have sex
that are outside the mainstream. One of the recurrent
threads on
a.s.b is the question of "what to call ourselves", since
there is no
one set of sexual practices we all enjoy or are interested
in, yet
there is a lot in common among all the things we talk
about.
Some people enjoy submitting to another person, placing
themselves
under the power of another, in a sexual context. It can be
a very hot
thing for someone to say to you, "I'm yours. Use my body
for your
pleasure." This is D&S; one person is dominating, the
other
submitting. Slave/master, harem girl/sultan, boy/daddy,
student/
schoolmistress. D&S is an erotic power game, where both
people are
getting off--one on the thrill of controlling, the other on
the thrill
of being controlled. This is also where the terms "top" and
"bottom"
come in; the top is, roughly, the dominant; the bottom is,
roughly,
the submissive.
What do tops and bottoms do with each other? Well, one good
possibility is they have lots of hot sex. Another
possibility is the
top ties the bottom up in some manner, which directly and
physically
puts the bottom at the top's mercy, and then the top plays
with the
bottom, teasing, seducing, frustrating, and hopefully
finally
satisfying. This is a bondage & dominance sort of game.
Some people
enjoy playing with punishment--"You've been bad and now I
have to tie
you up and spank you!" That's bondage & discipline for
you.
Then there's the sort of game described by S&M--"sadism
and
masochism". Whips, canes, nipple clamps, all the wonderful
things
that are designed to cause, in greater or lesser degree,
pain. It can
be a powerful thing to submit to someone else who wants to
hurt you;
it's a fantastic gesture of trust. And as will be discussed
later,
pain is not really pain anymore in an S&M game; it
becomes
overwhelmingly intense stimulation, which when administered
by a
skilled top can bring a bottom to entirely new heights of
ecstasy.
Sometimes the D&S aspect becomes secondary to the
sensual trip; you
don't have to enjoy obeying another's commands to enjoy
being tied up
and whipped! And of course, pain (whether light or heavy)
is only one
sort of sensation; there are many others, and all of them
can be lots
of fun to play with.
This sort of trip, merging pain and pleasure to create an
amazingly
powerful experience for the bottom, is sometimes known as
SM: Sex
Magick. The precise definitions of B&D, S&M,
whatever, don't matter
so much as do the experiences they point towards. All these
areas, as
you can see, overlap and intermingle in many many ways, but
for me
they all meet in the single concept of Sex Magick: taking a
fantasy
and turning it into reality, creating a magical space in
which
anything can happen!
While we're sorta on the subject of abbreviations, here are
some more:
motos = Member Of The Opposite Sex; motss = Member Of The
Same Sex;
IMHO = In My Humble Opinion; BTW = By The Way; SO =
Significant Other
(i.e. lover); SMBDLMNOP = SM and BD and whatever else it is
that we're
always talking about here on a.s.b; "Munch" refers to "any
social
gathering of local people who read a.s.b" (it's short for
"Burgermunch", a tradition started in Palo Alto);
"plonk"--see
question 32; YMMV = Your Mileage May Vary (i.e. this is my
experience,
yours may be different); ObBDSM = "Obligatory BDSM"--if a
post here
contains little BDSM content, the poster will put "ObBDSM:
BDSM item>" at the end of the post; YKINOK = "Your Kink
Is Not
OK"--see question 17... and of course FAQ = Frequently
Asked
Questions.
Oh, and the reason I refer to SM behavior as "play" here is
because,
well, it ain't work! Play means nothing other than
activities done
for recreation and for pleasure, and hence "play" is a fine
word for
many BDSM behaviors. Many of my friends use "play"
similarly.
(Though let me begin the many YMMV's by stating that many
other people
who do BDSM consider it to be a very real, and deep, part
of their
sexual orientation; these people find that the term "play"
doesn't
adequately express how important and fundamental these
behaviors and
relationships are to them. I am increasingly finding myself
to be one
of these people. And for still other people, some BDSM is
play and
some isn't. Confused yet?)
Just so it is totally clear at the outset, NONE OF THIS
MATERIAL
ADVOCATES ANY KIND OF NONCONSENSUAL BEHAVIOR. What I am
describing
here is a variety of ways for lovers to enjoy one another,
if and only
if they both want to, and both give their consent. Anyone
who claims
that this information is in some way advocating
nonconsensual,
criminal acts is hereby charged with having failed to read
and
understand what I am saying. When I use the term "SM" in
this FAQ, I
refer specifically to consensual behavior. (See question 21
for more
on this.)
Finally, you've probably already noticed that we talk about
more here
than just sex and bondage. If that bothers you, please,
post
something _yourself_ about either or both topics!
Complaining "where
are all the sex and bondage posts?" is unproductive; if you
want to
see more of something, put it out there yourself. Everyone
on a.s.b
is posting for their own reasons, which don't often include
titillating strangers.
But then again, this whole group is _about_
titillation--about
sonscious eroticism, about getting what you want, and the
first step
is often admitting it. Read on, and enjoy! Who knows, you
might be a
different person by the time you finish this FAQ... it's
happened to
others before you :-)
2. What is a "scene", and what is "negotiation"?
SM has definite connotations of theater. The fact that you
are a
submissive while you're playing sexually does not mean you
are a
pushover in real life, nor does your being a dominant while
playing
mean that you are an overbearing egotist. These are roles
that you
can play; you are in some sense an actor.
Hence the concept of a "scene". A scene is a particular
interaction
between a group of players, usually revolving around a
bottom. It's
not a formal concept, just a handy way to describe the
action. "That
was the hottest whipping scene I've ever seen!" "Our last
scene
really pushed me, Master; I've never felt like that
before." Usually
a scene has a momentum of its own: you (a top) will begin
fucking/
whipping/sucking/whatever your bottom, you'll both be
fantastically
into it, one or both of you comes/peaks/starts getting
tired, and you
wind down and rest for a while and talk about what worked
and what
didn't, about how the scene was for you.
Novice SM players may profit from actually taking this
loose descrip-
tion and using it to structure your first scenes. If
there's some-
thing you want to try, first negotiate it with your
partner; discuss
what you want out of the scene (bondage? orgasm?), what
your limits
are (no fucking, no tickling), and what safeword you want
to use (see
the next question). Then get "into scene"--assume your
roles (if
any), put on the collar (or whatever), get into the mood to
play... and play! And after the scene is over, take time to
discuss
what the scene felt like for each of you. Make sure to
listen to your
partner and learn how they felt, and thank your partner for
playing... after an intense scene, it's really nice to
cuddle and
connect, rather than stopping abruptly and going home. A
scene has a
beginning, middle, and end; all three parts are very
important. (And
not necessarily disjoint; talking about how you feel and
what you want
can continue right through the whole process!)
This "negotiation" concept in the SM community simply means
open,
honest communication about what you do and don't want.
Negotiation in
this sense is not a bargaining process, where one person is
trying to
get something at the expense of someone else; it's a
win-win technique
where you're both talking about what you've done and what
excites and
doesn't excite you, so you can feel more comfortable and
turned on
together. It's completely legitimate to talk both about
your
fantasies and your boundaries--about what makes you wet,
_and_ about
what makes you cringe and tense up. Telling your partner
about things
that you _don't_ want them to do is valuable, as you
deserve to have
those limits respected... and if you don't tell your
partner those
things, they may do them, and neither of you will enjoy it.
(If you
do express your limits, and your partner ignores them,
that's non-
consensual, and you will want to think hard about whether
you can
trust your partner. Negotiation can bring these issues into
clear
focus, which can help.)
If you're just getting into SM, or just into a new
relationship,
negotiation is a VERY valuable process. It can be as
upfront as "I'd
really like to kiss you, does that sound good?" or as nasty
as "Tell
me your deepest darkest fantasy or I'm going to stop
rubbing your
cock!" Talking about what you want from your sexual
relationships can
be difficult at first, but the more you do it the easier it
gets and
the more you get out of it! And note that none of this is
necessarily
specific to SM; negotiation is useful on all levels in all
relationships, whether they involve SM or not. Consent is
much more
than a simple "yes"--any relationship, and especially SM
relationships, will do better with lots of honest talk
about what you
both want, and why, and how much, and what you _don't_
want.
There are some who feel that negotiating--talking--"ruins
the momen-
tum". The image they seem to have is of the lovers who need
say no
words; every touch, every action, is perfect. That's great
when it
happens, but it doesn't happen automatically. My personal
experience
is that talking upfront makes me feel much better about
whoever it is
I'm with, and much more confident that they won't do
something I'm not
ready for... this in turn means I can throw myself
wholeheartedly into
whatever we've negotiated. Plus, as you get to know each
other
better, you'll know what you like and don't like... because
you'll
have negotiated it! THEN the momentum REALLY gets rolling!
The other connotation of "scene" applies to the whole
B/D/S/M popu-
lation; sometimes someone will ask another SM player "Is X
in the
scene?" or "I've seen Y around the scene before." If you
want to get
into the scene in this sense, look up one of the
organizations I've
mentioned at the end of this FAQ list--especially the NLA,
which may
well have a chapter in your area! Doing this can be very
worth-
while; you can make new friends, get lots of good ideas,
and find a
community that shares your interests.
** 3. What is a "safeword"?
One of the thrills of SM is that it can stretch your
limitations. If
you enjoy this sort of play, you can naturally find
yourself trying
more and more new things, accepting greater and greater
levels of
sensation, doing and feeling more than you've ever done or
felt
before.
But the process is slow and gradual, and people are not
telepathic.
It may be that you are the bottom in a whipping scene, and
your top is
whipping you, and suddenly it doesn't feel good anymore!!
and you want
them to STOP!!! That is what a safeword is: a word that
means "This
isn't working! This scene is going wrong somehow! Please
stop!"
A safeword needs to be taken seriously. Sometimes you may
be playing
with a top you don't know that well, and if they do
something to you
you don't want, it's important that you have a way to let
them know,
IMMEDIATELY. Especially if you're tied up or otherwise made
helpless.
Everyone has their own favorite safeword. I personally use
"Yellow!"
to mean "Something's too intense; I need you to lighten up,
but I
don't want to stop the scene," and I use "Red!" to mean
"I'm in
trouble and I want everything to stop NOW, no more games,
scene over,
let me outta here!" Some people just have one flavor of
safeword, and
use "aardvark" or some other weird word they'd never say in
the
context of a scene. At many parties, the universal safeword
is
"Safeword!" It's up to you. All it is is a safety valve for
when
things get out of control. If your top doesn't respect your
safeword,
it's a safe bet that they won't respect other limits of
yours, and you
will need to decide whether you want to play with someone
who doesn't
acknowledge your boundaries.
Using a safeword can be hard to do sometimes. It's
important to
realize that no one is perfect, and if you as top do
something that
squicks your bottom (i.e. pushes beyond your bottom's
limits--
"squick" is a recent bit of a.s.b jargon), it doesn't mean
you're a
bad lover or a bad person. It only means that you ran into
a limit
you didn't know was there, or you were tired or
disconnected and not
in tune with your bottom. It happens to everyone from time
to time.
If you as top feel burned out and want to stop the scene
suddenly, or
you get a powerful reaction you weren't expecting and
aren't sure how
to continue, you can use a safeword too; safewords aren't
just for
bottoms! If you as bottom feel like your top is pushing
you, and you
don't want to play anymore, it's not fun, that's when you
want to use
a safeword--your top will be glad you used it to tell them
where you
were at.
A safeword is just a communication tool, nothing more,
nothing less.
If you're playing intensely, it may feel hard to stop the
scene, to
come back from the edge via a safeword... but if you need
to, that's
what they're for. Some tops deliberately push their bottoms
until
their bottoms call safeword; this way, the bottom gets the
experience
of using it. A safeword that's never used can seem
unusable, which
isn't a good property for a safeword.
Sometimes a top will want to gag you, whether because
you're being too
noisy or they want to increase your helplessness or you've
been being
impertinent or whatever. You may still want a safeword to
let the top
know when a rope is too tight or the nipple clamps are
pinching or
whatever. Some people put a handkerchief in the bottom's
hand; if
they let go and the handkerchief falls, they know there's
something
up. I personally use the old SOS signal: three loud yells
spaced
evenly; "Unh! Unh! Unh!" No gag I've ever seen can stop
_all_ noise,
and that signal works even if my hands are in mittens or a
strait-jacket and unable to hold anything at all.
Before playing with someone, it's a good idea to negotiate,
not only
what safeword you want to use, but how you'll handle it if
you need to
use the safeword. When you're just getting into SM, it's
almost
inevitable that some scenes will end prematurely or
abruptly. If you
acknowledge this possibility in advance, and talk about
what kinds of
comforting or remedy you might like, it'll make recovering
from a
mishap a lot easier and more pleasant. And because a scene
goes wrong
is no reason to think that you or your partner is
fundamentally bad or
untrustworthy--mistakes will happen. (If your partner
doesn't want to
hear your concerns about the mishap, though, or if they
belittle or
deride your concerns, you may well be unable to avoid
future mishaps.
If your relationship doesn't learn from painful experience,
it may not
be ready to handle doing SM. Of course, this kind of
processing is a
vital part of _every_ healthy relationship, SM or not.)
Not every SM player uses safewords. Some people into SM
don't find
them useful for the style of play they prefer; more
straightforward
communication suffices for them. Some partners find their
need for a
safeword gradually diminishes as they come to know each
other better.
Some people do SM in which the bottom doesn't _want_ to
have a verbal
escape route, for the duration of the scene. (This
"no-safeword" play
is also sometimes called "edge play.") One thing that you
will learn
about the BDSMLMNOP scene is that styles vary wildly, and
peoples'
experiences are astonishingly diverse. But for many people
beginning
their explorations (and many who've explored enormously),
safewords
have proved very helpful.
4. When is pain not pain?
Often people outside the scene don't see the appeal in any
of the
things SM people do that look painful. What's enjoyable
about being
hit? Where's the fun in getting bruised?
Well, think about this. Have you ever had intense sex and
afterwards
noticed bite marks on your neck of which you had no memory?
What
happened was your love partner bit you, HARD, hard enough
that it
bruised you, and all you felt was another jolt of pleasure.
If they
bit you that hard when you _weren't_ having sex, you would
scream
"OUCH!!!" because it would hurt a lot! But when you are
sexually
aroused, your pain tolerance goes way up, and stimulation
that you
usually feel as pain is now actually pleasurable.
This is common knowledge. Another usual explanation is that
the brain
produces endorphins, natural opiates, to compensate for
pain. You
actually get high off the sensation. The "runner's high"
comes from
pushing the body painfully for so long that the endorphins
kick in;
the rush you get after eating chili peppers comes from the
same
source; and that's what makes it enjoyable for SM players
to be
whipped or spanked or whatever. It's not pain, it's
pleasure! All
athletes that are "hooked on exercise" are essentially
masochists who
enjoy stressing their bodies to get that chemical response.
So your
friend who enjoys being spanked may actually be a lot
_less_
masochistic than your average marathon runner!
For just this reason, Pat Califia (a very well-known writer
and SM
player in the Bay Area) uses pain as a reward, when she's
topping a
masochist. Pain as a punishment can have the reverse
effect, when
your bottom _likes_ getting whipped!
Endorphins are by no means The Single Explanation for why
masochists
find intense sensation to be desirable. Not every masochist
floats
away blissfully while being whipped, nor would they all
even _want_
to. The ways to experience intense sensation vary from
dreamlike rush
to stinging ouch to irritating maddening burn to soothing
warmth to
tears-in-the-eyes throbbing... and whatever the sensation,
there is
likely someone who enjoys it.
Also, pain is a continuum. There are many different kinds
of
sensation that you can use in your lovemaking--light
scratches with
fingernails, open-hand spankings, pinches, squeezes...
there are many
many ways to touch someone, and all of them can be
enjoyable.
Different people enjoy different levels of sensation;
"different
strokes for different folks." What may be a wonderfully
sensual
caress to one person may be practically unnoticeable to
another, and
what may be a delightful flogging to one person may be no
fun AT ALL
to someone else. Ongoing negotiation is the secret to
finding the
happy medium.
Some people consider all this absurd. "How could you WANT
pain?" The
best answer I can give is that some people simply seem to
be
calibrated differently. They want _more_ sensation; they
find the
intensity thrilling and exciting, whereas someone else
might find it
overpowering and agonizing. People like different amounts
of spice in
their food; why not in their sexual encounters? Each person
experiences sensation differently, and if you want more,
there are
safe ways for you to get it. Getting what you want, safely,
can make
your life much happier.
(For much more about sensations and sensation play, I
strongly
recommend Pat Califia's book _Sensuous Magic_. See the
resource list
at the end of part 3 of this FAQ.)
** 5. What are some basics of safe SM, emotionally and
physically?
mation on each type of activity into the specific topic
that talks
about that activity; there was just too much material under
this one
topic.>
SM is often play, and as such is fun! But SM can also get
intense and
powerful. Here are some useful tips for people just getting
started.
First of all, communicate. Let your partner know what you
want and
don't want. Keep the dialogue going; watch your partner, be
aware of
what she or he is feeling and thinking, and respect his or
her limits.
Establish a safeword, and make it very clear that it will
be taken
EXTREMELY seriously if used. DON'T assume that your partner
shares a
fantasy of yours unless you've EXPLICITLY discussed it with
them; just
because someone likes being blindfolded doesn't mean
they'll enjoy
being tied up. And most important, give full permission to
both
people playing to stop at any time for any reason; respect
each other
enough to commit to call a halt and work things out if
something goes
wrong.
Be sensitive. SM play, which can (doesn't have to! but can)
involve
helplessness, intense sensation, and psychological
domination, is
strong stuff; it can reach deeply into someone's soul and
bring up
childhood traumas or hidden fears, without warning. Be
aware that you
are swimming in deep waters, and be respectful, loving, and
careful.
Don't let this reality scare you away from SM, though, if
you want to
experiment; let it make you more aware and open to what
both of you
are feeling. Most of all, decide for _yourself_ whether SM
(or
elements of SM) has a place in your sex life; don't listen
when
someone _else_ tells you "SM will be OK for you" or "SM
will not be OK
for you". Only you can make that decision.
Be honest. If you do not want to do something, don't let
your partner
pressure you into it. When you begin exploring SM, you may
often find
yourself with a partner who wants something more than you
have
experience giving, or who's right now in the mood for
something that
you're _not_ in the mood for. In my experience, it's
generally better
to say, "Whoa, I think we're wanting different things.
Let's talk."
Doing a scene when you don't really want to can result in
anything
from a lukewarm scene to something you just wish was over.
There is
plenty of time... honesty, and not pushing, will lay a
foundation of
trust that will stand you in good stead later.
One especially charged kind of D/S play is dominance and
submission,
in which the bottom gives up some of their freedom of
choice to the
top, who can command them. Though many people with strong
boundaries
can play like this perfectly safely (and indeed derive
enormous
happiness and satisfaction from doing it), this kind of
play can carry
some real emotional risks for people with low self-esteem.
The risk
is that the dominant will wind up abusing their power,
using the D/S
dynamic to make the submissive feel ever more worthless and
powerless,
and hence willing to let the dominant take over more of
their
independence.
If you have issues around your personal sense of
self-worth, and if
you feel that being submissive (albeit perhaps an enticing
idea) might
serve to confirm and consolidate your negative self-image,
you would
do well to think hard about whether D/S play is for you at
this stage
of your life. The answer may well be "no." (And conversely,
if you
are considering topping someone who wants to submit because
they
deserve no better, you might consider whether you want a
partner who
thinks so little of themselves.) In general, it's
imperative for
everyone who does SM to look hard at their motivations and
their
boundaries, and to be clear on whether the SM (whatever
form it may
take) is self-actualizing or self-destructive.
It may not be all black-and-white, either; there may be
some
particular activities or roles or words that will make you
feel
unsafe, scared, or worthless, and you may well want to
avoid those
activities/roles/words. That is exactly what negotiation is
for; you
have the right to do what feels good to you and avoid what
does not,
and you have the right to insist your partner respect your
boundaries.
(This goes for any relationship, of course, BDSM or no.)
The
discussion of "when do dom/sub relationships become
excessive or
abusive" is an ongoing one on a.s.b, and for good reason;
it's an
important topic.
BDSM may at times be theraputic, but it is in no sense a
substitute
for therapy. It's been said that "you can't take power from
the
powerless." A healthy D/S relationship is grounded in
mutual respect,
and in the knowledge that both partners are choosing this
life in a
fully informed, non-coerced manner; the submissive is proud
to submit,
and the dominant is proud to receive the gift of their
submission. It
is a very different thing from an abusive relationship in
which one
partner controls the other partner's entire world, with the
goal of
making that partner irrevocably and helplessly dependent.
Back to the physical plane: If you are the top, and you are
tying your
bottom up, keep your attention on what you're doing. Your
bottom is
going to be blissing out; it's up to you to see that
they're
comfortable and kept amused. The "amusement" can be as
nasty as you
please, but see that they don't get _bored_; that's seldom
fun.)
Indeed, if you as top really _are_ displeased with your
submissive for
breaking an agreement the two of you had made, ignoring
them or
sending them away may be the harshest punishment you can
administer.
But that's pretty advanced.)
Remember AIDS. Almost everything beyond closed-lips kissing
and
bare-skin contact is potentially unsafe, unless some kind
of latex
barrier is used. No unprotected contact between any
combination of
fingers, genitals, mouth, and anus; use a latex dam (or
saran wrap)
for cunnilingus or rimming (i.e. oral-anal contact), gloves
for manual
penetration, condoms on dildos and dicks. Use water-based
lubricants
such as ForPlay, Astroglide, Wet, KY Jelly; if the lube has
nonoxynol-9 in it (which kills HIV) all the better (but
some are
allergic to nono-9). OILS AND OIL-BASED LUBES DISSOLVE
LATEX; keep
the mineral or massage oil away from your gloves and
condoms (and
latex clothing for that matter!).
Blood, semen, female secretions, urine... all can carry
HIV. Play
hard, but play safe. (One interesting thing about SM is
that it
expands the range of safe ways for people to pleasure each
other! But
it also expands the range of unsafe ways to play....) There
are more
safety tips, but if you want the in-depth skinny check some
of the
books at the end.
Many tops come up with an SM safety kit, containing (among
other
things) such items as a flashlight, duplicate keys for
_all_ locks,
bandage scissors (with one flat blade) for speedy bondage
removal, a
first aid kit with all the standard first aid items,
disinfectant
(such as Bactine or Hibiclens) for toys which come in
contact with
bodily fluids, safer sex supplies (sometimes including
several
varieties of lubricant--different people like different
sorts), and so
on. See _SM 101_ (a book listed in the Resources section)
for an
excellent description of such a kit.
And there are some things that are commonly regarded as
potentially
too dangerous to do unless you've been taught by someone
who knows.
Suspension is one: there are lots of things that can go
wrong, and
many of them can result in severe injury. Crucifixion is an
especially hazardous form of suspension. And body piercing
is also
not for the novice; it takes know-how and precision, and a
mistake can
result in a really big mess.
Fortunately, most SM activities, such as bondage, spanking,
and
teasing, are not nearly so severe; you can start out light
and build
up the intensity as far as you both want to go. Pay
attention to what
you're doing and use common sense and you'll likely be
fine. In
general, start out slow and PRACTICE! You will learn
quickly and
you'll have fun all along the way, and soon you'll be
places you'd
only dreamt about!
6. Is everyone either a top or a bottom?
One perception that some people can have, looking into the
scene from
outside, is that people are either tops or bottoms. Either
you like
to dominate, or you like to be dominated. And sometimes
novices
become confused, because they're excited by _both_
possibilities.
The facts are, everyone is different, and everyone has
their own
preferences. I personally greatly enjoy topping my
girlfriend, and
also greatly enjoy submitting to her. Some people _are_
tops in every
play situation, just as some are bottoms in every play
situation--but
I know people who top men but bottom to women, people who
sometimes
switch roles multiple times within one date, and every
other spectrum
of possibility!
Whole scenes can revolve around the "who's on top?"
question. Maybe
you can have a wrestling match, and the person who gets
pinned first
will wind up being tied up. Maybe you can set a timer, and
when the
timer dings, it's time to switch positions! There are as
many possi-
bilities as your imagination can dream of!
Then again, maybe only one side of the balance holds any
appeal for
you, and in that case, you'll want to play with folks who
have little
desire for _your_ side... it takes all kinds, and all kinds
are out
there.
It is also the case that there is no necessary relation
between
whether someone is dominant or submissive in everyday life
and whether
they are a top or a bottom. Some of the most domineering
executives
secretly love being abased and abused... it's a chance for
them to
lose control, to give up responsibility. And some of the
most quiet,
meek, shy-looking people you've ever seen turn into demonic
geniuses
of pain and pleasure when given someone to play with.
Endless
variety.
It's not at all unheard of for someone who's done only one
thing (for
example, bottoming) to one day start feeling the urge to
top, or vice
versa. People change, preferences change, it's nothing
unusual.
This, though, leads into the next question....
7. How can I learn to be a good top?
When first getting into the scene, it can often be somewhat
intimi-
dating to try playing with SM for the first time,
especially if
neither of you have done it before. Here's this wonderful
person, who
wants you to dominate them. You tie them up, and they're
helpless,
wriggling with anticipation and lust... and now what do you
do?
Play with them! There are all kinds of common objects that
produce
intense and enjoyable sensations when applied to a helpless
lover.
Combs for dragging across the skin, feathers for tickling a
frantic
foot, clothespins (use a couple or use many in artistic
rows--these
can be as intense as you want to make them!), ice cubes,
chocolate
syrup, strawberries (ever see 9 1/2 Weeks?), leather belts
for
slapping or spanking, hairbrushes for scuffing or beating,
and of
course your own fingers, mouth, genitals, and everything
else. Enjoy
taking your time with your willing victim; drive them to
distraction,
then bring them to the edge of ecstasy, then back off and
make them
beg for more!
Remember, you can set the mood as you wish. You can be
playful,
amused at your own ineptitude even while your bottom is
moaning with
desire. You can be stern and commanding, sympathetic but
nasty, jolly
yet sadistic--anything you please. As long as you focus
your
attention on your bottom, your bottom will have a great
time! Relax,
go with the flow, and if you stop enjoying it, call
safeword--tops can
use safewords too.
Of course, there's no need to feel like you need to put all
your
attention into pleasing your bottom; what's a good slave
for if not
for pleasing their master? I've several times played with
my
girlfriend and used her for my own selfish pleasure, giving
little
attention to hers--and she loved it! But there is no doubt
that with
pleasure it is as good to give as to receive. Just
remember, commu-
nicate, be sensitive to what your bottom is feeling, and
you'll have
no problem.
The one thing that is quite important to remember as a top
is that you
are responsible for your bottom. As you begin playing with
SM, you
may well be placing your bottom in situations in which he
or she is
physically helpless and/or emotionally vulnerable. It is
important
that you recognize they are placing a great deal of trust
in you, and
in your ability to handle any situations that may come up.
If you're
in the middle of a hot scene, and suddenly someone
unexpectedly bangs
on the door, you may both be startled and shocked--but your
bottom
will be immediately looking to you for protection. If
something
happens that you didn't expect, take care of your bottom
_first_--
reassure them that you're not going to let anything happen
to them,
and then deal with the problem calmly and sensitively.
And don't be limited by preconceptions of what you "ought"
to be
doing, or worries about how you're not topping "correctly".
If you
start to feel pressured or insecure, take a step back, and
ask your-
self what _you_ want out of the scene. Sometimes, when I've
been
bottoming for my girlfriend, she hasn't been in the mood to
play with
me sexually--so she made me her slave and commanded me
to... bathe her
and wash her! This was lots of relaxed fun for both of us,
and it let
her unwind enough to keep playing the way _she_ wanted to
play. Be
honest, not only with your bottom, but with yourself. And
if you are
in the middle of a scene, and suddenly your honesty says "I
don't want
to be doing this" or "I don't know what my partner wants,
or even what
I want," then by all means stop the scene--gracefully if
possible.
Better that than for the scene to drag on until both of you
are sick
of it.
If you still don't have any ideas, and if your bottom is
really hot to
trot, you can always start playing with your bottom and
getting them
excited in whatever way you know how, and demand that they
tell you a
fantasy of theirs, or you'll stop. Talking dirty to each
other
--trading hot fantasies, knowing that you can make then
happen if you
want to--is the best way I know of getting ideas for
scenes. This
actually goes for ALL sexual play, whether it involves SM
or not!
If you want detailed descriptions of positions, possible
scenes, and
so forth, you would do well to find a copy of _Sensual
Magic_ or _SM
101_. See the resource list at the end of the third part of
this FAQ
(and order some mail-order catalogs of SM books; lots of
ideas!). Or,
post with your questions to alt.sex.bondage, asking for any
and all
suggestions.
8. How can I learn to be a good bottom?
It can also be hard to learn to bottom, if what you're used
to is
topping. Giving up control, surrendering, can be a
difficult thing,
when you're used to holding the reins in your hands. If you
find
yourself manipulating your top, trying to coerce them into
giving you
what you want, then you're what is called a "pushy
bottom"--a bottom
who is not really submitting, but just trying to turn the
situation
around to the way they want it to go.
Some tops get off on bottoms who are defiant or subtly
disobedient,
and use it as an excuse to punish; but for other tops,
especially
inexperienced ones, it can be anything but fun. Making your
top feel
like they don't know what they're doing is no fun for
either of you; I
know, I've been there, as the pushy bottom. The solution?
The next
time you play, tell yourself that you are the top's
property, that
their will is yours, and that your deepest desire is to
please them.
Before, if they did something you didn't like, you might
have
suggested they try it another way; now, they are doing
exactly what
they want to be doing, and you are grateful they're doing
it. Let go
of your urges to be in control; surrender to them, and let
them have
their way with you. I guarantee you will have a lot more
fun than
when you were trying to top from the bottom--I know I did!
If you are still not quite getting what you want, as a
bottom, this
solution may not last very long; you will probably want to
talk to
your top about what your needs and desires are, and about
how you can
both have fun getting to them. But the time to negotiate
about what
your bottom fantasies are, and how you might want to
manifest them, is
not necessarily while you're in the middle of a scene which
you've
pre-negotiated. Don't get into the "Oh, yes, Mistress,
anything you
want--um, uh, Mistress, you're not quite doing it right!"
trap. (Can
you tell I speak from experience here?)
Relax, and respond. Quite often a top will enjoy topping
you because
of your reactions--the way you wriggle, and squirm, and cry
out. If
you clench every muscle and strive to endure without giving
_any_ sign
that you're feeling anything, your top may get frustrated
with the
lack of feedback. Let yourself feel. And don't hold your
breath! Or
rather, don't forget to breathe. (If, of course, you
_negotiated_ a
"stoic endurance" scene, that's different. But don't feel
you _have_
to act that way. I like it when my bottoms struggle--they
have a
safeword if they need it....)
Of course, nothing is cut-and-dried; just because you're on
the bottom
doesn't mean you're a puppet. But there is a big difference
between
being open and communicative, and trying to force things in
your
preferred direction. A good bottom is one who is
enthusiastic,
devoted to their top's pleasure, willing to surrender to
their top's
will, open about their own desires (in a respectful manner,
of
course), and happy to be bottoming.
There's a piece of common wisdom that's been around the
scene for a
long time, which is: the best tops are those who started at
the
bottom. I believe it's true. If you have been there, felt
the bite
of the whip, struggled to get free as you were brought
slowly and
teasingly to orgasm, tranced out as the sensation from the
clothespins
washed over and through you... then you will be much better
able to
guide someone else through that intensely magical space as
a top,
because you will literally have been there. Plus, starting
as a
bottom means you'll pick up a lot of hands-on (if you will)
experience! (And as with any generalized statement about
SM, there
are plenty of people whose mileage varies; bottoms who've
never topped
and never want to, or tops who've never gone under and are
still damn
good. But even such tops often experiment with sensations
on them-
selves before trying them with their bottoms.)
** 9. Why is bondage fun?
Lots of reasons. For many people, the knowledge that they
are
helpless, that someone else can do things with their body
and they
can't prevent them, is a powerful turn-on. "I'm going to
make you
come and there's nothing you can do about it." It's a very
strong
statement of trust to let someone bind you helplessly, or
even
non-helplessly. How erotic, to feel yourself spread open,
wanton and
wet, and to see your lover kneeling between your legs,
ready to use
you for their pleasure--or to pleasure you unendurably....
For others, the simple sensation of bondage feels good.
Tight
constriction can create very intense stimulation, and lots
of tight
bondage can be a sensory trip, just as a whipping scene can
be.
Bondage can feel comforting, pleasantly confining; you
don't need to
worry about anything, since what can you do? You're all
tied up, and
all that's left is to enjoy.
For yet others, it's a charge to struggle, to let your body
lose con-
trol. It can really intensify an orgasm when you come with
every
muscle straining against your bonds, trying to get your
hands free to
smash your lover's face into your crotch, your body
shaking. If you
weren't tied down you'd hurt yourself!
For me, it's all three of these reasons :-)
An especially intense form of bondage is verbal bondage:
putting your
bottom in some position (spread-eagled, kneeling, whatever)
and
commanding them not to move... and then tormenting them!
One kinky
variation on this is as follows: have your bottom hold
their hands out
in front of them, fingers splayed, each fingertip touching
the
opposite fingertip. Put a penny between each pair of
fingertips so
they're holding five pennies. Now order them not to let a
single one
drop, on pain of some punishment or other, and then go to
work! This
works best on a hard floor so you can hear the coin drop.
There are a bunch of common-sense things to know about if
you want to
get into bondage. Most of these are pretty obvious, but
they're
stated here because that's what a FAQ's for! The basic
idea, though,
is to experiment. The first few times you won't really know
what
you're doing, and that's fine! Take your time trying
different
positions, different kinds of rope, whatever. And if you've
got a new
idea that you want to try out before your big date... well,
why not
try it on yourself? If you can get into a position
comfortably, you
can probably make your bottom comfortable in that position!
Make sure your bottom's extremities don't start getting
cold or
turning blue; those are both sure signs that blood isn't
flowing the
way it ought to, and that isn't what you want to have
happen. If your
bottom's hands are bound inside mittens or some other place
that's not
accessible to you, ask them to wiggle their fingers or toes
or
whatever and see if they're losing any feeling. It can be
tricky to
tie someone up without making it too tight; in general, a
good rule is
to tie loosely with lots of turns of rope. You can tighten
such a tie
with just another turn around all the rest, and it can be a
real drag
to have a bottom's foot fall asleep in the middle of a
scene; this
kind of thing can feel very annoying and distracting, and
can make it
hard for your bottom to concentrate on what you are making
them feel.
Silk scarves, bandannas, etc. also have this problem with
tightening
under tension; sometimes they get so tight they have to be
cut off.
If you're a novice, you may want to avoid these hassles by
purchasing
a pair of basic ankle and wrist cuffs (in leather, velcro,
or what-
ever) at an adult toy store; and if you get embarrassed,
remember the
old standby excuse: "It's a gag wedding gift!"
Handcuffs are sexy, but they can also be a pain. Shoddy
cuffs (the
kind you buy at the sporting goods store) are liable to
break while
being worn--then you have to file them off. If you want to
play with
handcuffs, get a good quality pair; the usual brand is
Peerless, and
they'll cost about $30, with a double lock so you can snap
them on and
then lock them so they won't get tighter under pressure (as
cheap
cuffs will). Handcuffs are also bare metal, and aren't good
to
struggle against, as they can easily pinch nerves...
padded, buckling
bondage cuffs are better for those sorts of games.
Do not leave a bound person alone. Though it is a hot
fantasy to tie
someone up in some precarious position (possibly with
vibrators or
other devices buzzing away) and leave them to stew, in
reality you
must consider: what if the house is burgled? catches on
fire?
earthquake? any sort of emergency? Fun is fun, but a
helpless person
is just that: helpless. A willing partner is too precious
to take
risks with.
Be very careful about tying anything around the neck;
anything that
puts any pressure AT ALL on the front of the neck can lead
to uncon-
sciousness quickly, as the carotid arteries go right to the
brain.
Likewise be careful with gags or things tied in the mouth;
as well as
restricting breathing, they can trigger a gag reflex, which
could be
really nasty if the bottom can't get the gag out. See the
advice in
question 3 on safewords for use while gagged.
Also, be aware that if someone is standing for any length
of time in
any sort of tight bondage, it can lead to less circulation
to their
head; if you suddenly do something intense to that person,
it may
trigger a headrush which could easily result in a faint.
Always use
hooks which can be released instantly even with the
bottom's full
weight on them (these are sometimes called "panic snaps"
and can be
found in good hardware stores), and keep a pair of bandage
scissors
handy in case ropes or straps need to be cut loose.
Be careful what you tie your bottom to; if an exposed water
pipe is
handy, be aware it may heat up. Likewise with candles; be
careful
when you're waving flame around someone who's bound, as
they can't
flinch the way unbound people can.
If you don't have anything handy to tie someone to, you can
always tie
their wrists behind their back and then to their waist. Or
if your
bed doesn't hae any posts, you can wrap ropes around the
legs of the
bed and spread-eagle your bottom that way. In general,
there are a
million ways to tie someone up, and a little practice--on
your bottom
or on yourself!--will let you improvise in almost any
situation.
Below I list a few sorts of common bondage devices
mentioned here in
stories and postings. If you read a term here which you
don't
understand, write me and I'll add a description.
Mummification or Cocooning: About the most complete form of
bondage is
to wrap someone up so they are completely immobile. The
most popular
way to mummify someone is with plastic wrap. A common
technique is to
wrap each limb separately, then wrap the arms to the sides,
and then
wrap the legs together--and then help the bottom lie down
on an
adjacent soft surface. You can then cut holes (carefully!)
to access
any especially sensitive areas, or wrap duct tape over it
all for
extra security, or add gags, blindfolds, etc. One way the
body
releases heat is by sweating, and while mummified you can't
sweat too
much, so make sure your bottom doesn't overheat--and have a
blanket
ready to cover them with when you cut them out of their
cocoon, using
the bandage scissors (obtainable from medical supply
stores--one flat
blade makes cutting easier) which you of course have ready
to hand.
And as always, monitor your bottom very carefully; they are
helpless,
and your neglect or inattention could spell disaster.
Hoods: Many leather stores and artisans make bondage hoods.
These are
typically constricted of leather or rubber. Some have
simple zippers,
and you zip them up to secure them. Others have laces on
the back
and/ or the sides, to enable the hood to be laced more
tightly, for
greater bondage effect. Some hoods have eye holes, some
don't. Some
hoods have mouth holes, some don't. Some deluxe hoods have
built-in
earmuffs or even space for earphones, for sensory
deprivation. Almost
all hoods have nose holes, for obvious reasons. Hoods can
restrict a
bottom's breathing quite seriously, and tops must remain
continually
aware of their bottom's condition while their bottom is
wearing a
hood--especially if the hood is combined with any form of
gag. Do not
leave a hooded bottom alone; breathing difficulty can come
on quickly.
Some people believe that any hood without a zipper or other
extra-quick-release mechanism is too dangerous to use on a
bottom. In
any case, you should have some bandage scissors at the
ready if the
hood needs to be removed in a big hurry.
Bodybags: If you like being bound, the ultimate extreme is
bondage
which encompasses your entire body, leaving you with no
motion
whatever. Bondage bodybags (or "sleepsacks") resemble a
well-tailored, snug sleeping bag, often made out of leather
or
spandex. Spandex bodybags are the least expensive, and if
made from
heavy enough spandex can be very restrictive indeed. Often
bodybags
have an opening at the upper end, through which you slide
your feet,
pulling the bag up to your neck. Many have other openings
for
genitals or nipples, so your botttom can be pleasured or
tortured
while immobile. Leather bodybags can be arbitrarily complex
(and
expensive); some have built-in internal arm sleeves to
further
minimize motion, or suspension straps so the bag, bottom
and all, can
be lifted into the air. Some have laces around the outside
so the bag
can be cinched to a downright painful tightness. If you
REALLY have
money to burn, you can even get inflatable rubber
bodybags--get in it
and pump it up, and float away! Caveats about breathing and
quick-
release apply here as well.
Hobble skirts: Fetish clothing is often designed not just
to look good
and feel good, but to act almost as bondage in its own
right. Hobble
skirts are a perfect example: they are simply skirts which
fit very
snugly from waist down to ankles. Often the wearer can take
steps of
only a few inches while wearing the skirt (thus the term
"hobble
skirt"). When combined with a pair of high heels, these
skirts can be
almost totally immobilizing, even without any other
bondage. Leather
or rubber are (again) the typical materials, though some
dedicated
tailors make their own from velvet or satin or other
sensuous
materials.
Armbinders: Restraints, typically leather, that bind both
arms behind
the back. Some resemble large gloves that pull up over both
arms and
buckle around the shoulders. Others are straps that go down
the
middle of the back and have attached wrist cuffs. In
general, there
are lots of kinds of bondage gear, and you can even invent
your
own....
** 10. Why is whipping fun?
One way of thinking about whipping is as another way of
touching
someone. People who are just getting into SM frequently
play with
spanking; it's fun to be spanked! It's a punishment, it's a
strong
stimulus, it hurts very pleasurably. But if you've ever
spanked
anyone for a long time you know that your spanking hand
wears out
quickly!
Well, that's what whips are for--to allow you to hit
someone for a
longer time, without tiring out. There are many varieties
of whips
(cat-o-nine tails, heavy floggers, canes, light braided
switches,
suede pussy whips, and on and on), all of which feel very
different
and which have their own individual effect. A whip-loving
top will
often carry a veritable arsenal of different floggers, but
they are
all extensions of the top's touch. Indeed, when I whip or
cane
someone, I feel as though I _am_ touching them--as though
the
instrument is an extension of my arm and my desire.
There are deeper reasons why the variety is so diverse. A
whipping
scene will often start off very lightly, with the top using
a small
whip to sensitize the bottom and get them into the rhythm
of the
scene, switching to heavier and heavier whips as the bottom
gets
deeper and deeper, more and more receptive to additional
sensation.
Of course, the top may choose to lead the bottom on any
kind of
tactile journey the top desires--switching from stinging
light
switches to biting canes to soft fleeces. (Yes, it can feel
GREAT
when your top stops hitting you and suddenly brushes a
velvet cloth
against your back! Or maybe an ice cube....) It's all about
physical
sensation.
Quite often people in the scene describe whips as being
"thuddy" or
"stingy". Thuddy whips land with a solid impact; they shove
you, they
feel like a cross between a hug and a punch. Stingy whips
land with a
bite; they feel like a cross between a scratch and a slap.
Both kinds
of sensation are enjoyable in different ways, and a skilled
top can
alternate thud and sting (and then some!) to create waves
of sensation
that wash their bottom into ecstasy.
Most people enjoy a slow buildup when being whipped. This
can
culminate in an explosive climax of impacts, leaving both
top and
bottom drained and delighted. Or it can wind down gently,
ending
casually. Or it can stop feeling good suddenly, resulting
in a
safweord. Or it can turn into a galloping intense sex
scene! But the
general "start slow, build up, end intensely" tempo is
common to many
SM scenes: from gentle to stronger to WOW and then back to
gentle,
then a little stronger, then WOW!!... and gentle again.
It's the
motion of the ocean, as they say. It takes practice to know
how to
use this to blow your bottom's mind, but the more you
learn, the more
skilled you will be, and believe me, these skills-- teasing
your
partner and making them feel better and better and BETTER
--are very
useful in non-SM contexts as well!
Whips aren't the end of the story. Some people use
paddles--of
leather or wood, sometimes with holes cut in them to
decrease air
resistance and make for a harder impact. Paddles produce a
solid
"smack!" which can feel like a super-powerful spanking.
Some players
like canes, which can be thick or thin, stiff or relatively
flexible.
Canes can produce some of the strongest impacts of all--the
"whick!"
of a quick-moving cane is distinctive. Not everyone can
handle the
intensely focused pain canes can produce, but those who can
tend to
greatly enjoy it. Wooden spoons and kitchen spatulas have
been
pressed into service as instruments of flagellation. For a
while,
Nerf bats were very popular in some San Francisco parties I
went to.
(Bonk!) If none of this makes any sense to you, well, if
you have to
ask, you might not understand.
Whipping or spanking is sometimes used as part of a
"punishment"
scene, in which the pretext for the scene is that the
bottom has been
disobedient or naughty in some way which requires
chastisement. This
can be fun to do as role-playing, but it may not work in a
more
long-term D&S dynamic. Bottoms often find it erotic to
receive
non-damaging sensation from their top--and of course any
scene causing
permanent damage is not safe nor sane. If your bottom
learns that the
best way to get enjoyably beaten is to misbehave, you will
have a very
bad bottom on your hands. It is often then best to separate
"play"
punishments--which are intended to be fun-- from "real"
punishments
involving seriously broken agreements. Here is where
reality and
fantasy need to be delicately separated, and here is where
the real
world differs from S&M fiction.
When whipping someone, be careful. Heavy whipping is
usually done on
the back or ass, simply because those are the parts of the
body which
can take it most readily. Be careful of hitting the spine,
which can
break the skin where the vertebrae come close to the
surface. Stay
away from the kidneys, as kidney damage can occur if you
hit them too
hard. Stay away from the neck, for the same reasons you
avoided the
spine.
Be aware that if you hit someone hard enough (which may be
lighter
than you'd think) you will bruise them, and if you keep
going you can
break the skin, which is decidedly unsafe sex; and leather
or string
whips are tough to clean. For this reason, some dedicated
masochists
have their own toys which have come in contact with their
blood, and
henceforth can be used only on them. Whippings like this
are very
strenuous, but as with all SM, you can start out light and
get only as
heavy as you want! Bruises will heal (even large ones), as
will light
cuts or abrasions, but you should know how to avoid
unintended damage
that won't be so accomodating.
One thing to watch for (a distant risk, but worth knowing):
melanoma,
a form of skin cancer, can be worsened by skin trauma. If
you see a
mole on your bottom's back that looks uneven, discolored,
or different
than it used to, avoid that area, and have them see a
dermatologist.
There have been posts on a.s.b that go into MUCH more
detail about the
hows and whys of flogging. If you want to know more, post
to a.s.b
and ask, or check out the resources. (This FAQ is not
intended to be
comprehensive in every area... though it would be nice....)
** 11. What is body piercing? What is "C&B" play, or
"genitorture"?
Piercings aren't just done to ears. People on this list
have their
nipples, navels, eyebrows, clitoris hoods, penises, labia,
and other
body parts pierced, and bits of metal permanently in the
piercings.
These are the bare facts, but this practice, it turns out,
has a lot
to do with SM.
Getting a piercing, first of all, is an incredibly intense
rush, on a
purely physical level. It's a very powerful thing to
willingly have
someone push a sharp piece of metal through your body. It
can be a
level of sensation beyond any you've experienced in your
life.
Once you have the piercing, it can completely change the
way that part
of the body feels to you. One friend of mine said that his
nipple
piercings turned his nipples from little places that felt
OK to
full-fledged erotic zones connected right to his cock. He
calls his
nipple piercings the best thing he's ever done for his body
and his
sex life, and he seems damn sincere! The same goes for all
the
piercings in the genital area; they can really make sex
more fun!
There is some medical evidence that nerves around the
pierced location
become much more sensitive, so this isn't mere folklore. In
case it
wasn't clear, once a piercing heals, it doesn't hurt at
all; quite the
opposite!
Some people get into play piercings, which are done
temporarily with
very thin needles, which are removed at the end of the
scene. This is
basically another kind of sensory trip, which some find
very
enjoyable. The needles don't _hurt_, exactly, but you
certainly do
know they're in there, and they sure do get those
endorphins pumping!
You don't want to try permanent piercings unless you've
been person-
ally trained by a professional; there is a lot of knowledge
involved,
and you definitely don't want to get stuck with a bad
piercing. Play
piercings are less hardcore, but you still want to make
sure you know
sterile technique (remember safe sex!).
Does nipple piercing cause problems with nursing? Sometimes
yes,
sometimes no; there are stories both ways. There are many
milk ducts
in an average nipple, so the chances are good that nursing
can still
happen, but nothing is certain.
For more information about piercings, see rec.arts.bodyart
(or
possibly later editions of this FAQ).
"C&B play" stands for cock & ball play.
"Genitorture" stands for
"genital torture". This is a subject that makes some men
clutch their
nuts and run in fear, and makes other men instantly erect
and greedy
for more. The male genitals are at once the most vulnerable
and most
sensitive part of the male body, so of course many tops
enjoy playing
with them.
Cockrings are rings that go around your cock, typically
around the
base of it, behind the balls. The penis becomes erect when
the blood
vessels at its base constrict (because of arousal),
trapping blood in
the cock and causing it to swell. Cock rings have a similar
effect,
prolonging erection in most men that use them. (They also
constrict
the urethra, which will make any orgasm more painful, or
even cause
ejaculate to back up into the bladder. This is not
dangerous unless
done repeatedly. Experiment to find out how much tightness
is too
much.)
Most are made of leather, with adjustable snaps, so you can
tighten or
loosen them to fit (as well as remove them easily). Some
are made of
rubber. Some are even made of metal, but metal ones can be
hazardous;
if you put a too-small one on your non-erect cock, your
cock may
become so erect that you can no longer remove it--and if it
is too
tight, it will prevent your cock from softening. This may
involve a
trip to the emergency room and the use of bolt cutters. No
joke.
Some cock rings have multiple rings, for behind the balls,
around the
balls themselves, and around the base of the shaft. Some
people like
using _lots_ of cock rings, to stretch the balls out away
from the
body.
Safety tips: The broadest guideline is to go slowly until
you know how
much you can take. If the pain from a particular activity
starts to
spread into other areas of the body, or if the pain lasts
for a long
time after the stimulation ends, you have probably gone
beyond your
limits. You won't reach this point generally if you take
your time.
As with any SM practice, if you find yourself in pain
later, or if you
notice any abnormalities in your cock or balls when flaccid
or erect,
see a doctor. Of course, avoid any practice that seriously
wrenches
or twists the genitals; there are many ligaments and blood
vessels in
there, damage to which may make it hard for you to get
hard. But the
cock and balls can handle light whipping or slapping,
provided it is
done with care.
Of course, cock and ball bondage can be done with leather
strips,
ribbons, velvet cords, etc. Be as ornamental as you please;
tying up
an erect cock can create a luscious work of art, and
teasing it can be
even more artistic. Don't expect C&B bondage to keep a
cock hard
indefinitely; cocks will usually get soft if not
stimulated, and
bondage which _will_ keep it hard may be dangerously tight.
In any
event, be sure you can remove your bondage quickly, as
always.
A great deal can also be done with female genitalia. Some
women love
having clothespins on their pussy lips; some love light
whipping on
their outer labia, or even their clitoris. Sometimes body
piercings
can be used for bondage; labia piercings can hold a pussy
open very
delightfully, or clit hood piercings can be tied up out of
the way
with thread, leaving the clit naked and exposed. Some women
like soft
fur on their pussy; others like to be alternately soothed
and
tormented until they can stand no more.
Again, go slowly. Do NOT blow into the vagina, whatever
else you do.
Don't leave clamps on very long until you know how much
your partner
enjoys (and how it will feel to her the next day when the
scene is
over). Too much of one kind of sensation can become
irritating
quickly; change the stimulation, keep your bottom aroused
and
surprised. There are all _sorts_ of things that can be used
on female
genitals; one article I have lists "bamboo skewers,
candles, cheese
graters, clips, flyswatter, ice cubes, knives, latex
squares, leather
thongs, massage bongers, rabbit fur, ropes, scalp scrubber,
silk,
spoons, towels, weights, and whips" as items that can be
useful in
giving your bottom's genitals a ride they won't forget.
(And no, you
don't do this until you cause real damage, any more than
you do with
male genitals. Don't be scraping, scabbing, or
scarring--these are
the most sensitive parts of the body you're playing with!)
Communication is paramount in female genital play; women's
pussies
vary as much as any other part of womens' bodies (or more),
and
responses will vary equally dramatically. In general, the
same sort
of rhythm discussed in the whipping section is useful in
cunt play,
though if anything the top needs to go even more slowly, as
the
sensations will be more intense and focused than in almost
any other
kind of sensation scene.
One final tidbit: apparently, for many women, a common
pre-orgasmic
response is for the clit to retreat into its hood. If you
are giving
your partner some very delicious sensation (possibly
combined with
some just-right pain) and her clit disappears, DON'T STOP!
(Unless
you _want_ to avoid her orgasm... don't push this too far,
unless your
bottom's feet are tied down--she may kick.) And know your
limits; if
your bottom really wants an orgasm to end the scene, giving
her one
may make her EXTREMELY grateful to you, and waiting _too_
long may
burn you both out. This is good stuff to negotiate about
beforehand
in any scene--how would you like the scene to end? Breaking
such an
agreement will engender mistrust, but honesty, as always,
will help
everyone get what they want.
** 12. What is cutting/burning/branding?
Just what they sound like. Cutting is having someone cut
you,
carefully and lovingly, in the context of a scene. Burning
is playing
with fire, whether it's molten wax, candles, or alcohol.
Branding
is... well... branding! They're all very intense SM trips
that can be
an incredible amount of fun if you enjoy them, just like
all SM. They
are, of course, extremely severe and possibly dangerous,
but they're
not the kind of things novices tend to get right into.
Molten wax can be mild or intense. The higher you hold the
candle,
the cooler the drops will be--to a certain extent. They'll
definitely
make your bottom yelp no matter what! Don't use beeswax
candles,
though--they melt at a much higher temperature. If you like
hot wax,
you might like ice cubes, too....
I'm considering including safety information about cutting,
but since
there doesn't seem to be much demand for it I haven't
written any up
yet. If you want to know more, see _The Lesbian S/M Safety
Manual_
(in the resource list at the end of part 3). The best
safety advice:
be taught by someone who knows how to do cuttings safely.
This is
literally edge play.
Electrical play is using electricity of one form or another
to
generate sensation. This is another advanced form of play
which can
be fatal (lethal, deadly, murderous) if done improperly.
Any
electrical play that involves current flowing through the
body should
ONLY BE DONE BELOW THE WAIST; any current above the waist
or through
the heart can induce immediate cardiac arrest.
There are two main kinds of electrical toys I've seen. One
is a TENS
unit (Trans-Electric Nerve Stimulator, or something like
that); these
units typically are battery-powered, with control of pulse
intensity
and pulse frequency, and two leads that can be attached to
electric
cock rings, dildoes, or what have you. These can produce
sensations
ranging from a mild tingle to a thrilling trembling buzz to
a serious
jolt. The other sort of toy is known as a "violet wand";
these rather
resemble hand-held power tools with little glass bulbs
sticking out of
one end. When turned on, the bulb glows violet and
crackles; touching
it will cause static sparks to jump to your skin, with an
associated
"zap!" and a sharp shock. These do not send current through
the body,
and are safe for use anywhere except the eyes--though
prolonged use
will burn the skin.
** 13. What is it about breath control? Is it safe to make
someone
pass out?
Some people enjoy playing with cutting off their air during
heavy
scenes. This can be as simple as squeezing someone's neck
while you
kiss them deeply, or as complex as a full-head latex hood
and gas mask
over a straitjacket. As your air is cut off, you can feel
sensation
more intensely; it is also a deeply intimate thing to allow
someone
else to be in control of the very air you breathe. One
simple
explanation is that the body's natural reaction as orgasm
approaches
is shallow, rapid breathing--just like in breath control.
Needless to say, there are many things that can go very
wrong; if you
pass out and someone isn't there to cut you loose and make
sure you're
breathing, you can die. Not for novices. One simple way to
start is
to try squeezing your lover's neck gently as you make love
to them.
If it feels good, they will let you know, most
demonstratively. And
you can stop instantly just by letting go. In _any_ form of
breath
control, it is critical that all equipment be fail-safe,
and that the
bottom's breathing is only impaired by the top's _direct_
action--not
by anything (noose, gas mask, etc) that would continue to
obstruct air
if the top (for example) fainted suddenly.
Many people die each year practicing "autoerotic
asphyxiation"--wherein someone will masturbate while
restricting their
own breathing, and one night they wait too long to take the
bag off
their head or release the pressure on their neck, and they
black out
and die. Some think, "Well, just play with a partner, then,
if you
want to black out." However, losing consciousness, even for
a moment,
_can_ trigger cardiac arrest. This is why making your
bottom black
out is almost certainly a much riskier idea than you would
think.
The same goes for anesthesia. Sometimes people think, "Hmm,
it'd be
hot if I could drug my play partner--like in the
movies--and she'd
wake up all bound!" Even if your play partner likes this
idea, don't
do it. There is no safe way to force someone into
unconsciousness;
anesthesiologists spend their lives learning how to do it,
with the
best equipment, and still mishaps occur. Don't play with
ether, or
chloroform, or suffocation to unconsciousness... unless you
and your
partner really want to take a substantial risk of death.
More
experienced people than you have died.
** 14. What are "golden showers"? How about "scat"?
Another kind of play, also known as "water sports".
Basically, some
people enjoy urinating on their lovers, or having their
lovers piss on
them. Pissing is really a very intimate thing; your urine
is a part
of you, it's warm and wet, it feels good to let it out, it
comes from
your genitals. Some get a thrill of power from having
someone bound
beneath them who can do nothing but take it as the shower
lets loose;
others get off on being made to pee, to wet their pants,
it's naughty
and they need to be punished for it.
Safety-wise, urine is essentially sterile; it's not
necessarily free
of HIV, so it's not safer sex to drink someone else's
urine. Also,
urine contains mostly salts that your body is trying to
eliminate, so
drinking it again will strain your kidneys. If you're
drinking urine,
make sure to drink lots of water as well.
Some people are into scat play, which is playing with shit.
I don't
know any who are, but they're out there. Scat is obviously
even less
safe than water sports; in particular, hepatitis and
intestinal
parasites can be spread by oral contact with even a tiny
bit of feces.
People who enjoy rimming (oral-anal contact) should be
aware of this,
and clean themselves VERY thoroughly at the least, although
even
thorough cleaning will not eliminate all risk. For more on
this, see
the next question.
** 15. Is anal sex safe? Why do people do it?
Anal sex, practiced properly, is as safe as any other kind
of sex.
And people do it because it feels good--the anus can be an
intensely
erogenous zone. In fact, far more straight people than gay
people
practice anal sex! The anus contains more nerve endings
than any
other part of the male body, and more than any part of the
female body
except the clitoris. It's no wonder that anal sex is a part
of many
peoples' sex lives.
"Anal sex" can range from simply stroking your or your
partner's anus
with a lubricated finger, to actually sliding some fingers
inside your
partner and stroking them, to full anal intercourse. All
these things
are physically very pleasurable, and if you simply wash
your butt,
there's nothing repulsive about them. The anal taboo is
very old, but
there is no necessary medical reason for it if you know
what you're
doing. If you're concerned about staying clean, by all
means make
sure you've gone to the bathroom before playing, and wash
your
ass--outside and, if you wish, inside, with an enema. If
you want to
feel clean in order to enjoy anal sex, it's not hard to be
as clean as
you want. (It is also very important, though, to use safe
sex
techniques, which I describe a bit further on.)
The main guidelines for anal sex are Communication,
Relaxation,
Lubrication. You see, your anus consists of two rings of
muscle,
dubbed the external and internal sphincters. Your external
sphincter
is under your voluntary control--you can relax it at will.
But your
internal sphincter is _not_ under voluntary control. If you
are
tense, your internal sphincter will be tight, and trying to
force
anything into it will hurt, which will make you (and it)
even _more_
tense. So the rule in anal sex is to go slowly; you can't
force your
way into enjoying it.
Communication: talk about what you're going to do before
you do it!
Don't just roll your partner over and surprise them; they
won't be
relaxed and it won't be fun. Make sure you both are
comfortable with
the idea of anal play. Relaxation: listen to your body. If
your ass
wants to be played with, you will know; if it doesn't,
don't rush
anything. Lubrication: your anus doesn't lubricate, so you
need to
use a WATER-SOLUBLE lubricant such as KY Jelly or Probe.
Use LOTS of
it; it's clean! The more lube you use, the more comfortable
you will
be. And finally, communication again: if you haven't played
with your
anus before, the sensations will be intense and strange.
You may feel
like you are having a bowel movement when your partner
slides their
fingers out of you; it takes some experience to realize
that this
feeling is deceptive and that what you're feeling won't
result in a
soiled bedsheet.
It's not enough to just clean your anus, though; your
partner should
also use a latex barrier (a glove for fingering, a dental
dam or a
piece of (non-microwaveable) Saran Wrap for licking, and a
condom for
fucking) when having sex with you. This is true in general,
but
especially true for anal sex; unprotected anal sex is the
riskiest
kind of sex with regard to transmitting STDs of any sort.
Also, using
protection often increases the sensation of safety and
clean- liness,
which helps many people relax and enjoy the experience
more. (Some
say that anal play isn't as risky as all that. The facts
are that in
some cities intestinal parasites, spread by unprotected
anal sex, have
been considered a serious sexually transmitted public
health problem,
with thousands of people infected. Decide for yourself how
much risk
you want to accept.) And anything that has come in contact
with the
anus should be cleaned thoroughly (or thrown away, in the
case of
latex barriers) before coming into contact with the mouth
or vagina.
I already mentioned that it's not a good idea to force
anything. Let
me be more emphatic: if you feel pain in your ass while
you're having
anal sex, STOP. Too-rough anal sex can stress and possibly
tear the
anal lining, which can lead to very serious infections.
Anal sex does
NOT mix with force, and should NEVER be used as a way to
inflict pain.
And if you find yourself bleeding from the rectum, go see a
doctor
IMMEDIATELY. (Don't be embarrassed--they've seen it all
before...
just get yourself taken care of!)
That said, I need to clarify what I meant by STOP if you
feel pain.
That is what you should do: stop moving. The pain may just
be your
sphincter muscle complaining about stretching a bit, and
when you stop
pushing it will stop hurting--and possibly relax some more.
If it
doesn't stop hurting when you stop moving, THEN you want to
pull out
(slowly) and take appropriate action. If it does stop, wait
a little,
then begin again... your ass will let you know if it wants
to stop
altogether. (So pay attention to it! Getting drunk is NOT a
good
idea, as you don't want to block out any pain you may feel.
The FAQ
List No-Prize for Worst Sexual Product goes to an "anal
lube" that
contained oil (and therefore couldn't be used with gloves
or condoms),
AND which advertised itself as being best for anal sex
BECAUSE it
contained benzocaine "for greater comfort"! If anyone did
hurt them-
selves through using it, I hope they sued the hell out of
the
company.)
If you want more information about anal anything, see Jack
Morin's
book, listed at the very end of part 2.
** 16. What is "fisting"?
Everyone (well, almost everyone) knows what finger-fucking
is.
Whether in ass or pussy, it's terrifically enjoyable to
stroke someone
inside. (Fingers up a man's ass, if aimed properly, will
tickle his
prostate gland, which feels AMAZINGLY good... just a little
tip!) And
people are generally comfortable with the idea of
finger-fucking with
more than one finger. But not as many people have been
exposed to the
idea of inserting a _whole hand_ into the ass or pussy...
which is, in
simplest terms, what fisting is. Yes, it's anatomically
possible, and
yes, it's EXTREMELY (so I've heard) pleasurable.
That said, it's now very important to explain what fisting
is _not_.
You do _not_ make a fist and ram it home. Fisting is one of
the most
intimate and complete ways to touch another human being,
and it is
something that has to be worked up to slowly and gently.
There have
been many posts about fisting on a.s.b, talking about the
proper
technique, the safety concerns, the fantastic feeling of
openness and
connection, the magical plane that two people fisting can
attain...
it's an incredibly intense way to make love. I can't do
justice to
the firsthand descriptions others have written, but I can
mention some
of the safety concerns.
First of all, cut and file all your nails until every
finger is as
smooth as it could _possibly_ be. Your fingers will be in
some very
delicate places--places that may not have pain receptors.
You want to
make sure you minimize all chance of causing damage.
Use latex gloves. AIDS is a matter of life and death.
You will probably want to clean your bottom's GI tract out.
What else
are enemas for? Be gentle with enemas; warm water is best.
Don't use
detergent in enemas. Some people enjoy putting alcohol in
enemas; if
you do, use a VERY VERY VERY DILUTED solution, since it
will get
absorbed _real_ fast, and the bottom won't be able to expel
it if they
get too drunk.
Use LOTS (and I mean __LOTS__) of lube. Push it in with
your fingers.
Make a huge mess. Get it all over your hand, the back of
your hand,
between your fingers. Keep applying it as you go. You can't
have too
much lube. Remember, oil-based lubricants dissolve latex.
Some
people like KY jelly; others say it dries out too quickly.
In the UK,
a substance called "Aqueous Cream" is the creme de la
creme. Others
use "J-Lube," which is a powdered concentrate that when
added to water
produces incredibly slippery goo; it's sold in veterinary
supply
houses! (Some people still use Crisco with latex gloves, on
the
theory that the Crisco is just the best lube, and the
gloves don't
break down _that_ fast. This is risky, but it's an option.)
Go slowly. Start with one finger and work up. DON'T RUSH.
Be
sensitive to your bottom's feelings. You are trying to
persuade part
of their body to open for you, to admit part of you deeply
inside it.
The energy will move back and forth, and you'll ride it,
coaxing and
pushing, in and out, moving your bottom into a trance. Keep
communi-
cating with your bottom; gags, or role-playing where the
bottom feels
inferior or is told to stay quiet, are not conducive to the
kind of
relaxation and open empathy you'll need.
If your bottom suddenly hits their limit, you'll know;
their orifice
will clench tight shut suddenly. DON'T PULL OUT. Stay right
where
you are until the contraction ends, THEN start pulling out.
You can
pull a muscle or two if you try to back out in the middle
of a
reaction like that. If this happens, it's OK; you'll know
to go
slower next time (if you both want to try again). But
assuming all is
well....
When you reach five fingers, you're almost there. Now is
when you
want to be most sensitive and most aware. Your bottom is
going to be
flying on pain and pleasure; a sudden flinch and you'll
find the
asshole (or whatever) doesn't want you anymore. Respect
that, and
pull out (slowly!). But if your bottom's bottom wants it,
then you'll
slip your knuckles inside, folding your thumb inside your
fingers, and
(so I've been told) your hand will NATURALLY form a
fist--you DON'T
need to clench your hand or anything else!
Now the real fun begins... explore, entice, pleasure your
bottom, who
will be in heaven... and when it comes time to pull out, do
so slowly
and naturally!
If you have more questions (as always), post to a.s.b;
there have been
some GREAT pieces on fisting in the past, and there will be
more if
you ask for them.
17. Does the way I play qualify as "real" SM? What is
"real" SM,
anyway?
Sometimes on a.s.b, people will post wondering if what they
do is
"heavy" enough to be worth talking about. How can a mere
novice who
just got spanked for the first time presume to post about
how it felt,
when there are people out there who wouldn't even have
noticed it?
The answer to that is twofold. First, there are an infinite
number of
ways to play. This is one of the reasons I like SM to mean
Sex
Magick; Magick doesn't need to involve pain, or intensity,
or bondage,
or role-playing, or anything at all. Sex Magick is whatever
you do
that fulfills a fantasy of yours. **There is no right or
wrong way to
do SM, as long as it is consensual.** If you agree to it,
and if it
feels good (during and after the scene), it's the right
thing for you
to be doing. This FAQ list is really just a series of
suggestions;
take them or leave them, it's totally up to you.
(There are players out there who get way heavier than I
ever will--
into realms that I personally consider unsafe and even a
little
insane. Heck, for some people, being whipped is an insane
idea. But
the most important thing is the consensuality and the
mutuality of the
play--that everyone involved in the play _wants_ to be
doing what
they're doing, and that everyone can call it quits if need
be. What
other people think is not relevant; it is _their_ play, and
_their_
choice as to what risks they wish to assume.)
Second, the "intensity" of a scene has very little to do
with the
level of "physical sensation" involved. Again, the magic is
in the
way it makes you _feel_. We were all novices once; we all
know the
thrill of trying something new, taking your dreams and
making them
real. _That_ is what makes SM intense and enjoyable--that
ineffable
rush of new horizons unfolding, the incredible sensation of
trusting
someone else with your body and your mind, or of receiving
the gift of
control over someone else. It doesn't matter whether you
get there
through S or M or B or D or none of the above; once you're
there, it's
fantastic! AND, it's worth posting about!
Sometimes, discussion on a.s.b veers into a heated debate
about what
is involved in "real" dominance and submission or "real"
BDSM
play. The fact is, given the diversity of players and
playstyles in
"the scene"--and in fact the number of _separate_ "scenes"
in "the
scene"--it is hard to pinpoint any one behavior as the
benchmark by
which "real" is defined. The principal common thread I can
see is
that people into SM are seeking to explore their fantasies
about power
and/or sexuality, to bring some of their dreams into their
personal
lives.
One thing is sure: attempting to set strict boundaries
around what is
and isn't "real" SM, or what is and isn't "true" submission
or pain
play or roleplay, is an endeavor fraught with peril. More
often than
not, people who believe they know the definition of "true"
SM are
interested in flaming others who disagree, rather than in
honestly
sharing their perceptions while remaining open to the views
of others.
As with any labels or preset "norms" of human behavior, one
can debate
endlessly about whether the "norm" is really "normal", or
one can
speak from one's personal experience. The latter generally
leads to
better and more revealing discussions.
One topic that does come up in this context, though, is
whether only
consensual SM is real SM--or rather, whether the term "SM"
excludes
any behaviors that are not consensual. As I stated in the
beginning
of this FAQ, I use "SM" here to refer to acts between
consenting
adults; most a.s.b posters and people in the scene likewise
use "SM"
as short for "consensual SM." There is no doubt that many
people who
practice consensual BDSM enjoy fantasies involving acts of
nonconsensual bondage, dominance, submission, sadism,
and/or
masochism. But when it comes to real life, consent is of
fundamental
importance. A story may include nonconsensual acts and yet
be an SM
story; an SM relationship can become abusive while
remaining an SM
relationship; but when people here on a.s.b and in the
larger scene
talk about SM as it ought to be and should be (and in my
experience,
as it usually is), they mean consensual, healthy SM. (See
questions
21 and 22 as well.)
Some people state, "SM originally referred to the practices
described
in the writing of the Marquis de Sade [to whom consent was
irrelevant], so modern SM people are lying when they say
consent is
important in 'real' SM!" They're simply playing the "change
the
definition of 'real' to one which I can flame about" game.
Besides,
if we _were_ all lying in order to deceive people into
playing with us
(so we could then abuse them), we would be doing ourselves
a massive
disservice by educating people about consent and about
negotiation--knowledge which would serve to protect people
from us!
You'll need to judge whether we mean what we say about the
importance
of consent.
A frequently heard acronym on a.s.b is "YKINOK"--which
stands for
"Your Kink Is Not OK." a.s.b is largely composed of
postings by
people whose sexual practices are considered unhealthy or
at least
weird by many others. We recognize here that different
people really
do have different sexualities, and different preferences.
Hence, we
try to avoid blanket statements such as "Behavior X is
WRONG!" or
"Behavior X is NOT OK!" or more generally, "_Your_ kink is
NOT OK!"
We would instead say, "Your kink would not be OK _for me_.
Here are
some of the risks I see in that kink. How do you deal with
them?"
From that point, discussion and education can flow, as they
cannot
from a flat YKINOK. (And conversely, we don't say, "Your
kink IS
OK!"--since there are almost _no_ behaviors that _everyone_
enjoys.
The OK-ness of consensual practices is, and must be,
determined on an
_individual_ basis.)
18. What is it about leather/latex/high heels/corsets/other
fetishes?
All these things--erotic clothing or objects of whatever
type--are
"fetishes". A fetish is any object which has sexual
connotations for
you. If it makes you feel sexy to wear it, or to see it on
someone
else, it's a fetish. There's nothing wrong with having
fetishes; in
fact, it's a rare person who _doesn't_ have any! Some
people are
turned on by armpits; some by painted toenails; some by
good old
lingerie. The techniques of negotiation and communication
that I've
already talked about can also come in handy in exploring
your
particular fetishes, whatever they are.
Leather is one of the most basic fetishes in the scene.
Leather
skirts, leather chaps, leather harnesses, leather cuffs, on
and on.
Likewise for latex. Much of the appeal of these two
substances, it
seems to me, is in their tightness and their shininess;
clothes made
out of them enhance your awareness of your sensual self,
and
restraints made out of them can cling like a second skin.
In general,
leather and latex are two really big categories of
fetish--and a
fetish is defined as something that turns some people on;
if you have
to ask, you probably won't understand!
Leather clothes absorb fluids; don't get them wet. Plain
water will
damage the leather; blood or other bodily fluids will also
leave their
scent in the leather. You can use saddle soap and water to
clean your
leather, and neats-foot oil to keep it supple and in good
con- dition.
Latex doesn't absorb water-based fluids, but oils will
damage it, and
prolonged exposure to sunlight will cause it to break down.
When
putting your latex on, apply lots of talc to yourself and
to the
insides of your latex; this will make it easy to slide it
on. Don't
pull the latex with your nails, or it'll rip; likewise make
sure you
cut your toenails before putting on latex stockings. After
removing
latex clothes, wash them with water to remove oils, then
dry them (and
some say powder them) for storage.
There are also PVC clothes ("wetlook" clothes), which are
usually
black, shiny, and stretchy. PVC is basically plastic-coated
fabric,
and is washable, as well as relatively inexpensive.
Of course, good old lingerie can be very arousing indeed.
It's often
true that a little clothing is even sexier than none at
all. Erotic
costumes and attire can add a lot of spark to a scene; they
can set
the stage like nothing else. The mind is the biggest
erogenous zone,
and role-playing and mock acting can be very very hot.
whether
combined with any other elements of SM, or not.
As for corsets and high heels: they're both restrictive
garments that
enhance the curves of the body, and that work really well
as part of
SM play--they can enhance the domineering tread of a
mistress or
hobble the steps of a slave. They are some of the classic
fetish
items. High enough heels can make it altogether impossible
to walk,
which can be very sexy! Corsets, properly applied, can
dramatically
change the shape of your body, while intensifying sensation
through-
out. And corsets and high heels, like any fetish, can be
combined
with many many different kinds of scenes.
Other fetishes: dirty jockstraps, boxer shorts on women,
formal
clothes on men, cowboy gear, uniforms
(police/military/what-have-
you), nurses' outfits, harem girl attire... the list goes
on and on.
If it turns you on to wear it or to see your partner
wearing it, why
not make it part of a scene? (A button I heard about
recently: "Are
you into casual sex... or should I dress up?")
In general with fetishes, anything goes! If you find
yourself
becoming more involved with a fetish than you want to be,
then you can
take steps to look at your behavior and determine if you
want to
change it. But if you like it, and your partner likes it
(or likes
that you like it), and if it's consensual all around, then
go for it!
And if you like fetish clothing, check out the
alt.sex.fetish.fashion
newsgroup--it's young, but it's growing....
19. What about shaving body hair and/or crossdressing?
Another fetish many people have is smooth skin, with no
body hair.
Shaven skin is silky soft, completely and utterly naked,
and very
vulnerable. Shaven legs, armpits, or genitals can feel very
different
indeed than hairy ones... and since the name of the game is
sensation,
naturally shaving and SM can go together!
Since shaving is conventionally a female activity, it
carries an added
charge when men are shaved. It can be at once humiliating
and
enormously arousing. Many men enjoy shaving themselves in
order to
play with cross-dressing (dressing as a woman); hence I
mention these
two topics together. Shaving first.
How to shave? Use a sharp razor and a bowl of hot water;
splash water
over your leg (or wherever) and lather with shaving cream.
Then shave
_with_ the direction of the hair (i.e. shave down the leg
towards the
ankle, or shave from the navel towards the crotch); going
against the
direction of the hair can lead to ingrown hairs when it
starts to grow
back. Shave with short strokes, dipping the razor
frequently in the
bowl to remove the hair. If you shave only seldom, you may
go through
a couple of razor blades doing your legs alone.
Some people who shave infrequently use an electric razor
first to
remove most of the hair, then a hand razor for the
remainder and on
the sensitive areas. (Electric razors tend to pull hair,
and they are
most annoying on genitals.) Some people swear by waxing
(using sticky
wax to pull hair out) or by other non-shaving methods of
hair removal;
to each their own. Shaving can be part of a scene; I've
seen many
gay-male SM movies with big male tops forcibly shaving
their
prisoners, and I've also seen dominatrixes washing then
shaving their
bottom's asses. (It's hard to reach back there yourself,
and being
bound while a razor GENTLY strokes your most sensitive
region is...
well... VERY intense!) Then once they're shaven, you can go
on to all
sorts of other fun.
About crossdressing: many men enjoy dressing in female
clothes, either
because the clothes feel good, look good, or are
humiliating to wear.
Whatever the reason, there's no doubt that lots of people
enjoy this
sort of thing. Makeup is often part of this sort of play,
as well.
Many women also enjoy dressing up as men; switching gender
roles can
open up a vast range of possibilities. Some people call
this "gender-
fuck"--i.e. fucking with one's perceptions of gender, or
fucking
someone who's assuming a different gender, or both.
There is a spectrum of attitudes among those who play like
this. Some
just enjoy wearing opposite-sex clothes because they feel
nice. Some
fantasize about actually being a person of the opposite
sex, and use
those fantasies in their scenes. Some people want to take
it to the
point of going out in public dressed as, and acting like,
the other
gender so accurately that they pass--i.e. are mistaken for
the gender
that they're assuming. They may find doing this enjoyable
because of
the fun in faking people out, and/or the thrill of
successfully
transforming oneself into one's fantasy image.
Some people actually feel that their biological sex is
fundamentally
at odds with the gender they feel themselves to be. They
may feel
like a man who happened to be born with a woman's body, or
vice versa.
These people are known as transsexuals, and may have
operations to
change their bodies and genitals to more closely correspond
to the
gender they most identify with. Transsexuals are still very
widely
stigmatized; it is not easy to live in this very
gender-based and
sex-role-oriented society if you don't conform to the
standard
pattern, and transsexuals definitely do not. And while many
of the
kinds of genderfuck I mentioned are "play", transsexuals
are not
playing; their gender identity is a vitally serious issue
to them.
(Though when they _want_ to play, there are few people who
know more
about it :-)
It's important to realize that these groups of people are
distinct;
just because a man enjoys wearing panties underneath his
business suit
does not mean he has any desire to get a sex change
operation. As
with all aspects of human sexuality, gender and gender play
encompasses a wide array of levels, and honest
communication is the
only way to know what a particular person is into.
Gender play can be combined with all the other things in
this list to
create some extraordinarily powerful sex magick. As always,
listen to
your desires, decide how much you actually want to make
real (and how
quickly), communicate, and play!
20. Why am I defending SM?
One of the problems with SM is the social programming
against it. Our
culture isn't used to the idea that sex is fun and pushing
one's
limits in search of pleasure is a damned enjoyable thing to
do.
In this FAQ posting I have attempted to explain the ways I
feel and my
friends feel about SM. I am doing this because I used to
know very
little about SM; I only knew I was interested. Through
a.s.b and lots
of new friends and LOTS of wonderful experiences, I
learned. My life
has been enriched and my relationships deepened and
strengthened, by
my experience with SM, by the communication skills I've
learned, and
by the sexual introspection I've performed. Now I want to
describe
all that in as open and frank a manner as I know how.
Sometimes that openness and frankness slops over into
apologia. I am
trying to avoid that, as I think there are few people
sicker than
those who believe they have the right to tell others how to
live and
love. If you believe SM is sick or disgusting, I tell you
you are
simply wrong; some of the greatest acts of love I have ever
witnessed
have occurred in an SM context. If you don't think you'd
like it,
that's more than fine with me; I would just ask that you be
open to
what the SM community may have to teach about
consensuality,
negotiation, safety, and exploration.
When I first started fantasizing about SM-related
activities I was
very young indeed--under ten years old. I don't know where
these
aspects of my sexuality came from; certainly not from my
family. But
when I started learning about SM, I was first excited that
there were
others out there who enjoy these things, and then depressed
that there
is lots of wrong and harmful information out there about SM
people and
what we do. This FAQ list is my attempt to help spread some
better
information, in the hopes that the more everyone knows
about what SM
_really_ is (and what it is _not_), the harder it will be
for people
to use twisted facts to condemn others because of their
sexuality.
Also, there are things I'm describing that _I_ don't enjoy
(at least
not yet :-) This is not the FAQ List of the Gods, so don't
take it as
such; listen to what I say and draw your own conclusions.
And fer
pete's sake, post to alt.sex.bondage with your questions
and thoughts
and fantasies and dreams; the blood of a.s.b is always
freshened by
new posters! (It helps distract us from the flame wars!)
21. Is SM degrading or abusive? Were most SM people abused?
Often people approach SM with nothing but negative
stereotypes in
their mind. The will-less slave dominated by the
overbearing
thoughtless master. The pervert who enjoys being hit
because he
thinks he deserves no better. These images, negatively
charged with
connotations of abuse, do not reflect the reality of
consensual SM.
First, were SM people abused as children? This is a common
stereotype. Straw polls of people on a.s.b seem to indicate
no
particular pattern of abuse, and there have been very few,
if any,
scientific studies of the question. Some people see an
increased
correlation, but there is little actual evidence.
This stereotype is usually just _assumed_ to be true, as an
expression
of SM-negativity--"Oh, anyone who likes that must have been
really
damaged as a kid." Similar claims were once widely made
about
homosexuals and homosexuality. (As one data point, I
personally
wasn't abused as a child, for which I'm grateful. And I'm
very into
various aspects of SM, for which I'm also grateful.) In
general, in
fact, no one seems to have any idea of why some people
enjoy SM
behaviors or fantasies, and others don't. Rather like no
one really
knows what determines sexual orientation, or preferred body
type, or
much of anything else where human sexuality is concerned.
The notion
of a "normal" sexuality is widely overrated... the range of
variations
is incredible.
Once you actually look at people who are involved in SM,
and at what
they do, you realize that what is actually happening is a
powerful
expression of love, which expands into sensual realms
outside the
ordinary. True SM is consensual, strengthening, and
sustaining; true
degradation is _not_. Therein lies the difference, and it
is truly an
all-important difference.
Occasional debates on a.s.b revolve around the (relatively
few) people
who practice full-time dominant/submissive relationships.
Such
relationships require lots of self-inquiry and
self-examination to see
that both partners are benefiting and growing. Sometimes
the claim is
made that such BDSM relationships are just ways for the
dominant to
break down their submissive's will, and to accept abuse
because the
submissive (according to the dominant, and perhaps also in
the
submissive's own opinion) deserves no better. (This is
essentially
what a wife-battering husband does: he takes control of his
wife's
self-perception, and convinces her that the abuse is the
necessary
price to be paid for her to remain with him; it is no more
than her
due. And moreover, she is not to complain.)
This kind of relationship is _not_ a consensual BDSM
relationship; the
dominant in a consensual relationship listens to and
respects the
limits of their bottom, and does not seek to break down the
bottom's
personality, but rather to build it up through the kind of
relationship that both enjoy and desire. Such relationships
almost
always contain an "escape clause," such that if the bottom
is truly
feeling deprived or abused, the bottom can ask to set the
roles aside
and talk with the top as equals. (In other words, a
relationship
safeword.) Such concern for clear communication when things
don't go
well (as well as when they do) is the hallmark of a healthy
BDSM
relationship. And every text I have read about long-term
BDSM
relationships stresses the importance of emotional safety
issues. (As
I mentioned previously, people who have issues around their
sense of
self should be aware that SM is potentially risky in that
area. Of
course, _any_ relationship is potentially risky for such
people....)
Doing SM as part of a mutual, consensual relationship can
be
enormously affirming. SM can be a way to give yourself to
your lover
more deeply than you ever thought you could, and can give
outlet to
fantasies you never imagined could come true. This kind of
active,
dynamic self-expression can give a tremendous boost to the
self-esteem
and the psychological well-being of both partners. Getting
what you
want out of your sex life may not be a cure-all, but it can
sure help
a lot. I recommend the book _Ties that Bind_, listed at the
end of
part 3, to people exploring these issues.
(Some call all this doubletalk, denying that _anyone_ could
ever
_really_ benefit from submitting to a lover whom they
trust. All I
can say to that is, my personal experience is far
otherwise, as is
that of many of my friends, and many professional
therapists
acknowledge that it's quite possible for a submissive in a
consensual
relationship to be very psychologically healthy. Decide for
yourselves whether we are to be believed.)
Another root of the negative stereotypes is simple aversion
to
sexuality in general. The concepts of "limits" and
"negotiation" are
inherently revolutionary, in a world where many people
can't bring
themselves to talk about _anything_ related to sex. Yet
without
understanding these concepts, it's hard to understand SM.
Everyone
who first looks at SM needs to do some amount of pushing
past their
prejudices; for some it's harder than for others.
Some people wonder how women into SM can consider
themselves
feminists. Isn't feminism about controlling your sexuality,
about not
submitting to anyone else, ever? Personally, I believe (and
_many_
women on a.s.b agree) that feminism is about empowering
women to make
their _own_ choices, to live life their own way, without
being limited
by ideas about what women "should" do or how they "ought"
to behave.
And in that light, it makes little difference whether the
limiting
ideas are those of the patriarchal CEO or the "radical
feminist"
criticizing SM in _Ms._ magazine; both the CEO and the
writer are
attacking womens' right to do as _they_ choose.
At this point I want to include some material sent out by
the
Leather/Fetish Celebration committee about abuse in the SM
community.
This is valuable stuff for anyone interested in
distinguishing
consensual SM from abuse; while no list of questions can
substitute
for personal inquiry and knowledge of the people involved,
this list
is at least thought-provoking. (There is no consent-o-meter
to
determine whether someone is consenting to SM behavior; the
best we
poor humans can do is look at situations on a case-by-case
basis.)
Thanks, Leonard.
----------------
The Celebration Wants You to Know About... Domestic
Violence in the
S/M Community
Domestic violence is not the same as consensual s/m. Yet,
abusive
relationships do exist within the leather-s/m community, as
with all
groups. Unfortunately, due to our sexual orientation,
abused persons
who are into s/m may suffer additional isolation and may
hesitate to
turn to available resources for fear of rejection or of
giving
credence to stereotypes. No group is free of domestic
battering; but
fear, denial, and lack of knowledge have slowed public
response to
this serious social problem.
Domestic violence is not restricted to one particular group
within the
s/m community. A person's size, gender, or particular sex
role
(top-bottom, butch-femme) is irrelevant; anyone can be
subject to
abuse.
Abuse tends to be cyclical in nature and escalates over
time. It is a
pattern of intentional intimidation for the purpose of
dominating,
coercing, or isolating another without her or his consent.
Because of
the intimidation factor, where there is abuse in any part
of the
relationship, there can be no consent.
Defining the Problem: The following questions can help a
person to
define the problem, which can have characteristics that are
physical,
sexual, economic, and psychological.
Does your partner ever hit, choke, or otherwise physically
hurt you
outside of a scene? Has she or he ever restrained you
against your
will, locked you in a room, or used a weapon of any kind?
Are you afraid of your partner?
Are you confused about when a scene begins and ends? Rape
and forced
sexual acts are not part of consensual s/m. Battering is
not something
that can be "agreed" upon; there is an absence of safe
words or
understandings. Has she or he ever violated your limits? Do
you feel
trapped in a specific role as either the top or bottom?
Does your
partner constantly criticize your performance, withhold sex
as a means
of control, or ridicule you for the limits you set? Do you
feel
obligated to have sex? Does your partner use sex to make up
after a
violent incident? Does your partner isolate you from
friends, family,
or groups? Has your partner ever destroyed objects or
threatened
pets? Has your partner abused or threatened your children?
Does your partner limit access to work or material
resources? Has he
or she ever stolen from you or run up debts?
Are you or your partner emotionally dependent on one
another?
Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot
of emotional
distance and being very close? Is your partner constantly
criticizing
you, humiliating you, and generally undermining your
self-esteem? Does
your partner use scenes to express/cover up anger and
frustration? Do
you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is
bothering
you?
No one has the right to abuse you. You are not responsible
for the
violence. You are not alone; connect with other survivors.
There are
reasons for staying in abusive relations: fear of (or
feelings for)
the abuser, and lack of economic or emotional resources. If
you stay,
help is still available. Find out about shelters, support
groups,
counselors, anti-violence programs, and crisis lines in
your area; ask
a friend to help you make these calls. Plan a strategy if
you have to
leave quickly. Line up friends and family in case of an
emergency.
Battering is a crime. Find out about your legal rights and
options. You can get the court to order the person to stop
hurting you
through an Order for Protection or Harassment Restraining
Order. You
do not need a lawyer.
We Can Reduce Domestic Violence: Domestic violence does
exist in the
s/m-leather-fetish community. We can make it clear that we
will
listen to those who have the courage to speak out.
Understand that
leaving is difficult. Let the person make his or her own
choices. Keep
all information confidential. Encourage survivors to take
legal action
and seek support. Help find safe housing and legal
advocacy. Hold
batterers accountable and urge them to seek treatment. Deny
that drug
or alcohol use can excuse battering. Support changes in
that person's
behavior.
Leather groups in our community are crucial to reducing
domestic
violence. Invite knowledgeable speakers; lead discussions;
print up a
list for members of what resources in your area are s/m-
supportive. Educate your local legal and social service
system about
our lifestyle; encourage their appropriate intervention.
Safe Link is a clearinghouse for materials and questions
about
domestic violence, specifically for persons who are into
leather, s/m,
or fetish sexuality. It offers a list of readings and is
currently
compiling a roster of supportive speakers, shelters, and
therapists,
and information on understanding and using the law. Write
to Safe Link
c/o the Domestic Violence Education Project, National
Leather
Association, 548 Castro Street #444, San Francisco, CA
94114; or call
the NLA at 415/863-2444, or email nlaintl@netcom.com
Posted by ixion@dorsai.dorsai.org, from the program of the
Int'l
S/M-Leather-Fetish Celebration; Text provided by Jan Hall.
The
Celebration specifically authorizes and encourages the
reproduction
and redistribution of this information.
-----------------
22. Why is SM taboo, and is SM criminal, unnatural,
immoral,
unethical, or unhealthy?
If what I've been saying in this FAQ is accurate, then why
haven't
more people heard this? Why are the prevailing images of SM
so
negative?
There is no doubt that they _are_ negative. Not long ago I
was
informed that there are some members of the Winnipeg
(Canada) police
department who believe that alt.sex.bondage is "a textbook
on how to
torture women for sexual pleasure. It's obscene." Said
police were
considering how to deal with a.s.b on obscenity grounds.
Last year in
England, a group of gay men who had gathered for an SM play
party in
which they were using whips for pleasure were arrested and
charged
with battery, EVEN THOUGH they had all agreed to be doing
exactly what
they were doing, and WANTED to be doing it. Consensual SM
is illegal
in England. How can this be?
The crucial distinction here is between consent and
non-consent. The
difference between whipping someone in a scene and
assaulting them on
the street is the difference between sex and rape. If
everyone
involved agrees to what is happening, it is not a crime. If
they do
not, then it is. This distinction is not in principle
difficult to
understand, and being involved in SM makes it very clear.
SM
practitioners are _more_ familiar with consent issues than
most, and
as such are _less_ likely to commit crimes of the sort that
people
confuse with SM. And NONE of the material in this FAQ
advocates ANY
kind of nonconsensual, criminal behavior.
Unfortunately, there are many who would be arbiters of what
others may
and may not legally consent to do. I believe that
consenting adults
should be free to do as they wish in the privacy of their
homes.
There are many who don't believe this is acceptable. It
serves them
to confuse the issue by claiming "SM people are sadistic
rapists" when
in fact we are nothing of the sort. Criminalizing
consensual sexual
activities (sodomy, SM, even prostitution) is an old
tradition, but in
my view, an unjustifiable one.
This problem is exacerbated by the body of "scholarly
research" on SM
and related practices. Almost all the books written about
SM and
other alternative practices in this century have been
written by psy-
chologists and therapists (i.e. people outside the scene),
and almost
all have portrayed SM as a dangerous practice, indulged in
only by
"unhealthy" individuals. The reason? Healthy individuals
weren't the
subjects being studied; rather, the subjects were all
seeking psycho-
logical treatment from the authors of the books! The
"studies"
completely ignored the many many well-adjusted, happy
people who were
also into SM. It's easy to conclude SM is harmful when your
only
experience is with psychologically maladjusted SM people,
and when you
aren't interested in presenting a balanced view (as few
authors are--
psychologists can be as sexually judgmental as anyone).
More recent events in the psychiatric community have shown
a change in
opinion about SM. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of
Psychiatric Conditions is a document produced by the
American
Psychiatric Association. The DSM-III, published in the late
'80s,
classified "sexual sadism" and "sexual masochism" as
disorders for
which treatment was recommended. The APA, in the DSM-IV,
reclassified
SM as _not_ necessarily a disorder, unless the practice of
the SM
produces clinically significant ongoing emotional trauma,
or leads to
death, serious injury, or disability. The DSM-IV is
recognition by
the theraputic community that SM can be practiced in a
psychologically
healthy way.
As for "natural": people have practiced SM behaviors
throughout
history. Many are the saints who scourged themselves in the
name of
the Lord. Using intense sensation to reach altered states
of mind is
a practice as old as humanity itself--and hence can be
considered in
no way "unnatural".
Our society (as do most societies) tends to ostracize the
different.
If you don't fit the mold, you're weird and dangerous.
People into SM
don't fit the mold. This is why there is such pressure to
remain
anonymous in the scene; people have lost their jobs,
partners,
children, and liberty by having their sexual preferences
revealed to
their community. This stems from the same source: lack of
understanding of what we do and why, and lack of respect
for what is
different.
Of course, there are plenty of people who just aren't into
SM. (Most
people, in fact.) There's nothing at all wrong with not
being into
SM, or with not wanting to be exposed to people who do
various forms
of SM; many people have emotional issues with some kinds of
SM
activities and may be repulsed or disturbed by witnessing
them. These
people should clearly avoid SM (and probably should avoid
alt.sex.bondage). I would hope, however, that even these
people would
manage to learn about consensuality as it relates to SM,
and learn how
SM, practiced carefully, is not abuse.
Some people feel that any power exchange between people is
unhealthy.
The argument is that giving power to someone else is
tantamount to
giving away your essential right to self-determination,
which must be
considered an unqualified evil. Moreover, there is no doubt
that many
social evils--wars, abusive relationships, et al.--derive
from one
group of people seeking power over another; therefore, the
argument
proceeds, it is always wrong thusly to seek power.
In reality, there are many situations in life in which
someone chooses
to give some of their power over to another, because they
trust that
other to use that power wisely. Examples include entering
the Army
(which regulates your life for the duration of your
service); getting
married (which is often a commitment to abandon some of
your personal
autonomy); taking a job (which restricts your choices of
how to spend
your time); and, of course, entering a BDSM scene (during
which your
top has authority over what goes on). All these power
exchanges are
mutually agreed upon, and are mutually beneficial; when
they stop
being beneficial, the exchange itself should stop.
People whose moral codes state that all power
exchange--consensual or
otherwise--is wrong should clearly not be involved in BDSM.
Certainly
such people have a consistent ethical system that defines
BDSM as
immoral. Short of such an ethical system, however, it is
hard to see
how a BDSM relationship is any more intrinsically immoral
than a stint
in the Army, or a traditional 'death-do-you-part' marriage.
As for
me, I believe that in a free society, morality requires
permitting
each citizen to make his or her own choices of how to live,
and how to
express themselves, including sexually. Sexual rights are
human
rights. If we lose our freedom to love as we choose, we
lose a vital
part of what it is to be human.
These issues are very controversial, even now. In the 1992
Oregon
state ballot, voters narrowly overturned a measure named OR
9, which
contained the following paragraph:
"State, regional, and local government and their
departments,
agencies, and other entities, including specifically the
State
Department of Higher Education and the public schools,
shall assist in
setting a standard for Oregon's youth that recognizes
homosexuality,
pedophilia, sadism, and masochism as abnormal, wrong,
unnatural, and
perverse and that these behaviors are to be discouraged and
avoided."
Homosexuality, sadism, and masochism are neither wrong nor
unnatural.
All three are consensual ways of living and loving that
many people
enjoy. They are not for everyone, but nor should everyone
be told
that they are for no one. Note also how this measure seeks
to confuse
the issue by grouping homosexuality, sadism, and masochism
together
with pedophilia, a practice which is in most places legally
nonconsensual. (It is not my intent to enter here into the
debate
over whether children are ever capable of fully consenting
to sexual
acts. Suffice it to say that whether they can or not has no
bearing
on the fact that adults _can_ consent to SM play.)
Legislating what
consenting adults may and many not do in private is neither
healthy
nor democratic.
(In recent years there has been a spate of articles about
how SM is
entering the mainstream. Madonna's book _Sex_, her movie
_Body of
Evidence_, and the movie _Exit to Eden_ are examples of
this trend.
Hopefully this will lead to more people feeling free to
express their
love as _they_ choose--so long as it's consensual!)
The most extreme forms of SM come closest to the line
between consent
and non-consent. Most SM people have established safewords
which they
will use if need be, though if they've known their partners
for long,
that's rather seldom. Some people, though, do play without
safewords--whether because they know their partners well
enough to
stay within their partners' limits and read their partners'
responses,
or because they enjoy the rush of playing without an escape
clause.
This latter sort of play is sometimes known as "consensual
non-consensuality," and involves scenes in which the bottom
literally
cannot escape from whatever the top wishes to do. This is
very
advanced SM; it requires exponentially more negotiation and
introspection, and even then is hazardous. Not many people
do this,
or want to, but some people do, and find it exhilarating
and
uplifting. More info is available on a.s.b or in some of
the
references... or on a.s.b itself, which is one of the best
places in
the world to hear a myriad of voices speak out about their
individual
ways of doing and living SM.
23. Isn't the bottom always in control?
One of the paradoxes of SM revolves around consensuality.
Everything
in SM is consensual; although the top is in control, it was
the
bottom's choice to allow the top to _be_ in control. And
since most
of the time the top is trying to keep the bottom happy, and
since the
bottom knows that, isn't the bottom really in control?
Yes, if your definition of "in control" is "can stop the
scene". The
bottom can always opt out, if it's consensual SM. But the
top can go
a long way towards putting the bottom under the top's
spell, making
the bottom submit to really strenuous bondages or beatings,
using the
bottom as the top pleases. One friend of mine, for
instance, takes
great pleasure out of hog-tying his girlfriend with her
breasts bound
and her hands behind her back and her ankles tied to her
ponytail,
then putting her on the edge of the bed and sticking his
cock in her
mouth. She has no choice but to suck it until he comes.
Which of
them is "in control"? Both of them would say that he is,
and both of
them are getting off on that fact, so the paradox in
practice doesn't
matter too much.
Furthermore, negotiation can involve give-and-take; the
bottom can
agree to endure some pain to please the top, and the top
can then
(say) tie the bottom tightly and tease to the point of
orgasm. A
particular activity in SM can be enjoyable for its own
sake, or
because it's a favorite sensation of yours, or because it
turns your
partner on so much to do it to you or with you, or because
you want to
endure it out of pure stubborn pride. The paradox of
control can take
many forms.
(As mentioned previously, some especially intense players
may
negotiate scenes during which the bottom _cannot_ opt out.
This sort
of play is definitely in the minority, but it is
nonetheless possible
to consent to giving up your ability to withdraw consent.
These
scenes are sharply bounded by mutual agreement between both
partners,
and must be accompanied by much discussion, before and
after the
scene. And if the bottom later feels like the scene went
bad, the
negotiation should be redoubled before the next scene, if
any.)
24. Can someone "really" be someone else's slave?
This is the last question in another guise. Is it possible
for there
to be consensual non-consensuality? That is, can someone
agree to be
in a situation from which they cannot escape, and to live
that way?
This topic can inspire flame wars, as follows: historical
slavery was
totally non-consensual and enforced by the state; at the
worst of
times, the life of a slave was in the master's hands. Our
society
today does not recognize such an arrangement. Does this
mean that
someone cannot truly become someone else's slave, as
society would
always permit the slave to back out? Or is true slavery
possible as a
bond between one person and another, regardless of society?
You
expect an answer in a FAQ? Sorry, here there are only more
questions.
(Though see question 17 for more on the hazards of that
pesky word
"real".)
25. What are the "codes"?
Often the "hanky code" is mentioned on a.s.b. What is it?
It's a
tradition in the scene that if you're into certain types of
activities
you can indicate them by wearing a handkerchief in either
your left or
right back pockets. The color indicates the activity; the
side, the
preferred position (left is top, right is bottom). Some of
the colors
are gray for bondage (left is you like to tie, right is you
like to be
tied up), red for anal fisting (left fister, right fistee),
and black
for heavy SM (piercing, serious whipping, etc.); there are
many many
many more. I don't have a list handy.
Sometimes the same thing is done with keys or
handcuffs--keys on the
left means you're a top, on the right means you're a
bottom. It's all
just a way to signal your preferences in a public place.
Despite persistent rumors, there seems to be no "earring
code"
involving earrings on the left/right/both/whatever.
26. My fantasies scare me. What if I get too into SM?
Sometimes people who are attracted by some aspects of SM
worry that
they will immediately go from enjoying spanking and light
bondage to
fisting and golden showers. Nothing could be further from
the truth.
SM is a blanket term for a huge variety of alternative ways
to make
love. This FAQ list has outlined some of the possibilities.
No one I
know enjoys _everything_ on this list; _everyone_ has their
own
preferences and levels of tolerance. Some like bondage but
dislike
pain; some like latex but dislike leather; some enjoy
piercing but not
whipping; some like tickling and nothing else!
This means that negotiation is always important in SM; you
never know
what someone's tastes will be until you ask. It also means
that
whatever your level, however hard the play that you enjoy,
there are
people out there who share your tastes. Be a dabbler or be
a life-
styler, or be anywhere in between! And don't worry; the
operative
word with all of these practices is _pleasure_. If you
don't like it,
you won't enjoy it, and you won't do it!
Some people have fantasies about heavier SM trips than they
would
enjoy in real life. To those people, I say this: fantasies
are not
reality. It is well documented that many women have rape
fantasies
from time to time; this does not mean that those women want
to be
raped. SM can involve playing on the edge between fantasy
and
reality, using that fantasy energy to create something
fantastically
strong and passionate in the real world; but this does not
mean that
fantasies are anything but imagination, or that fantasies
will become
real without your choosing to make them so.
If you feel that doing SM might make you feel uncomfortable
or unsafe,
or make it harder for you to maintain your sense of
self-worth and
pride, those are excellent reasons to avoid doing SM--or at
the very
least to only do those sorts of play that don't tear you
down but
instead build you up. SM is an intense form of relating,
and not
everyone is ready for that; if you don't think you are,
don't do it
that intensely--and if you're not sure, go slowly. What's
the rush?
Do what you honestly want to do, and what you feel ready
for.
Some people getting into the scene almost have a mental
checklist of
stuff they want to try. They spend a year or two burning
through the
checklist, having a great time, always desperate for the
next
experience. Then they get to the end of the list, and
suddenly they
don't know what's next. This can be a very empty feeling.
SM is not
an end in itself, but a means to connect with others; it is
ultimately
about relating, and about developing yourself.
If you are worried about getting "too into SM", it means
that you are
sensitive to your spiritual and sexual development, which
in itself
means you have less to worry about. Trust your instincts.
SM is
nothing but opening up the the powerful energy within us
all, and
being willing to experience that energy with and through
others; it is
intimate and loving. Even a hard scene, involving ruthless
domination
and serious pain, is an act of love, and a very deep one at
that; it
takes a lot of trust and a strong connection between the
people
involved to create such a scene. The more aware of Sex
Magick you
are, the better a communicator and lover you will likely
be--and you
don't have to be a heavy player to understand Sex Magick.
People who think that all BDSM behaviors are unhealthy or
destructive
sometimes come out with a claim like, "Just you wait, you
may start
off by enjoying being spanked, but before long you'll be
liking being
bruised, dismembered, flayed, and murdered!" This is,
simply,
ridiculous. While many people do find their tolerance for
pain
increasing as they do BDSM, many others find no such
effect, or even
have no interest in experimenting. It seems that for most
people,
their internal "thermostat," the level of stimulus which
makes them
hot, is pretty much constant. And certainly I know of no
one
practicing consensual SM who perpetrates serious injury on
their
lovers. The SM scene is rife with information about how to
inflict
intense sensation without causing permanent or unintended
damage of
any kind. Recognize these kinds of alarmist claims about
BDSM as the
scaremongering that they are.
And finally, after all is said and done, you may _still_
have some
fantasies that you recognize as too intense or too contrary
to your
nature to actually perform in a real-life scene. This is
quite
common, as well; we all have desires which we recognize are
not safely
fulfillable. Do not do anything that you feel you should
not or
cannot do, even if the desire remains strong; or at least,
if you do
choose to explore that desire, go very carefully and be
prepared to
back off if you find your suspicions confirmed. If it hurts
not to
fulfill the desire, that's part of what maturity is
about--rejecting
desires that pull you into things that are no good for you,
while
choosing that which will affirm you. And in any case, the
process of
introspecting, of asking yourself what you want (and what
you will
permit yourself) and why, can be vital to your growth and
your sense
of yourself. Life is change, and every choice carries
_some_
risk... decide for yourself what path you want to walk.
27. I want to throw a play party; how can I go about it?
Occasionally on alt.sex.bondage there is a flurry of email
about some
event that recently occurred (often in the SF Bay area) at
which many
net.folks were in attendance, and about the tremendously
enjoyable
things that transpired there. Then others around the
country post,
wishing they lived out here too. Well, you don't have to
live out
here to have a play party!
What is a play party? A party where your guests can (and
hopefully
will) play with each other! It can be as simple as a
backrub circle
which turns into more intimate activity, or it can be one
person who
gets clothespins applied to them while others watch and
contribute
energy before going off into their own scenes, or indeed
anything at
all. The idea is to enjoy each other, to communicate and
share the
pleasure that touching and playing can bring. If there is a
common
interest in SM, that's convenient, as lots of things can be
initiated
with a simple pair of handcuffs or a whip that looks like
it'd feel
good; also, if the guests have played with SM, they will
understand
the need for negotiation, and they will know what it is to
respect
another's limits.
Some tips: Don't encourage alcohol; make it BYOB. This
makes the
party safer, and the drunker you get the less likely you
are to really
be able to fully negotiate and communicate. Minimize video
and loud
music; this causes people to interact with each other,
which is the
whole point, rather than sit back and stay out of the
action. (Good
party music can help set the mood, though.) Keep condoms,
dental
dams, latex gloves, lube (water-based!), betadine (if
piercers or
cutters are present), bleach (for cleaning toys), and paper
towels
handy; this makes people aware that they can easily play
safely--a
matter of life and death--as well as expressing the hosts'
concern for
the guests.
If possible, have several playspaces (i.e. rooms where
people can
recline and play with each other); this lets the
exhibitionists
exhibit, while the more private ones can be more private,
and the
heavy players can play heavily (serious whippings, candles,
etc.)
without freaking out the folks with lighter tastes. Have
some
knowledgeable people take turns as safety monitors; if
anything's
going on that looks unsafe or nonconsensual, give those
people
authority to take action. Establish a party safeword (a
great one is
"Safeword!"). In general, make your place into a safe
space, a haven
where people can unwind and enjoy each other to whatever
extent they
want to, without feeling pressured or uncomfortable.
Possibly the most helpful tip: if you can, try to get a
group of
people in your area together, and try to get activities
planned
between parties--lunches, group shopping trips to your
local toy
stores, movies, etcetera. It's hard to overcome the
barriers to
trusting someone enough to have sensual or sexual contact
with them,
especially in our pleasure-negative society; therefore,
things may not
get off to the rollicking start you could wish for at your
first
party. If there are a couple of exhibitionists to break the
ice,
though, it helps; and as people get to know each other
better and get
to be friends, it will increase the level of fun everyone
will have!
28. I want to attend a play party; what is the etiquette?
The simplest way to fit in in a play party is to behave
politely.
There will be people right in front of you who are doing
very sexual
things. They are doing them for _their_ pleasure, not for
yours.
Stay away from the action unless invited to participate--
and a glance
in your direction does not constitute an invitation.
The people who really interfere with the energy of a party
are the
people who seemingly assume that just because the scene is
taking
place in a semi-public context means that comments from the
audience
are okay fine. They're NOT. The top in the scene is
concentrating on
the bottom's pleasure, and the bottom is almost certainly
in a very
private mental space. Neither the top nor the bottom will
appreciate
being yanked back to reality by a loud suggestion or
greeting. If you
want to compliment them on something, WAIT UNTIL THE SCENE
IS OVER and
they're circulating and being sociable again! Interfering
with a
scene in progress is inexcusably rude, and if I were
dungeon-mastering
I would throw you out of the party for doing it.
Once you understand that scenes are private even though
they're taking
place in public, the question then becomes, how can you
watch without
detracting from the energy of the scene?
There definitely are people who interfere just by watching.
They've
been dubbed "energy vampires" in the past. These people are
watching
the action as though it was a porno movie--as though the
intense magic
taking place in front of them was no more than a bad fuck
flick where
the actress is half asleep. They have no empathy, no sense
of
connection to what's going on; they might as well be in a
movie
theater.
If you have the ability to watch what is happening with an
open heart,
if you can pick up on the energy and send your own good
wishes towards
the participants in the scene, you will be much more
valuable as a
watcher. Public players never object to an enthusiastic
audience
which can appreciate the way they're playing! An audience
which
values the gift of being allowed to watch, and which
contributes its
goodwill towards the play, can be a delight; an audience
which watches
without giving and without connecting takes the life and
spirit out of
the scene. (And remember, a good audience does NOT make
comments that
the players can hear--an audience doesn't interfere with
the
performance!)
You can be a part of the magic without playing yourself.
All it takes
is an honest enjoyment of what's happening combined with
politeness
and tact.
If you _do_ want to play, and there's someone you want to
play with,
you can ask--but be prepared to accept a "no, thanks"
gracefully. If
you are comfortable mingling and making small talk, you'll
be more
likely to find someone with compatible desires--after all,
everyone
else there has similar tastes! There often will be rooms
for heavy
play and rooms for hanging out and socializing; don't try
to do one
activity in the other activity's space.
(It helps if you dress sexily, even if you're not
playing--the more
leather and lace there is to look at, the better!)
29. What's the deal with this anonymity stuff?
There are many people who post to alt.sex.bondage through
the wizvax
Anonymous Posting Service, and many others who post from
pseudonymous
accounts. The reasons are obvious; "kinky sex" in our
society is
stigmatized, and being openly interested in sexuality or
alternate
sexual practices can result in personal and professional
consequences
including losing one's job, losing one's friends, and if
child custody
is involved, losing one's children. Yes, in America today,
you can
lose custody of your child if it becomes known that you
practice SM.
(This is not merely anecdotal; people on the net have had
these things
happen to them.) Oral sex is a crime in some states! After
reading
this FAQ, it (hopefully) should be clear how twisted this
situation
is, when acts of love can be used as evidence of
psychological damage.
This is why many choose to write and post anonymously. By
using a
pseudonym, they can say what they want to say, while
remaining free of
the nastiness that could ensue were their coworkers to
discover their
interests. Homosexuals know what it's like to be ostracized
for their
romantic and sexual preferences; SM devotees are, in some
ways, in the
same boat. It's a strange world, where love is perceived as
evil, and
beauty as ugliness....
Anonymous posters are not cowards. The consequences I have
outlined
are enough to make anyone question whether posting under
their own
name is worthwhile. Those who choose to do so are not
necessarily so
much courageous as lucky--lucky to be able to be out, to
declare their
lifestyles openly. (Note that pseudonyms are sometimes used
in real-
life situations, as well; there are many netters who go by
their net
names even at social functions.)
This means that it is rude to inquire as to someone's
actual identity
if they choose to use a pseudonym. It is also rude to tell
others of
their real name, if you somehow become privy to it, without
first
asking them; they have entrusted you with something that
they don't
want commonly known. DON'T OUT SOMEONE IF THEY DON'T WANT
TO BE
OUTED. You yourself may not need a net.name; that doesn't
mean you
can take others' anonymity any less seriously than they
themselves do.
This goes for the net and for real life. If you meet
someone at a
party who you've known from the net, they'll probably still
want to be
known under their net name, and if you're writing about
that party
later, make sure you have their permission before
describing them or
scenes in which they participated (even if you use only
their net
name).
It is an open question whether the world would improve if
everyone
outed themselves. Some say that we need to get all kinky
people out
of the closet, so everyone'll realize how many of us there
are (and
there are many!). Others, myself included, believe that
everyone
should be free to choose how they want to live their
life--including
choosing to be anonymous.
30. Are SM people subjected to political or social
harassment?
Like all alternate sexualities, SM is stigmatized in many
ways by most
of society. In extreme cases, SM players are prosecuted
legally. or
persecuted by people who would _like_ to so prosecute them.
This
section of the FAQ describes some of these ongoing battles.
(See
question 22 for a brief mention of one recently-vanquished
challenge.)
First, the most serious anti-SM action in years: the
Spanner case. In
Britain in 1992, sixteen men who had attended an SM party
were
convicted of assault, despite the fact that everything that
happened
at the party was fully consensual. The sentence was four to
six years
in prison.
The defendants appealed, and eventually reached the highest
court in
Britain, which issued a judgment rife with the worst and
most
inaccurate popular misconceptions about BDSM, ignoring
everything that
is now widely known about how it is safe and consensual.
This
judgment is a travesty of human rights, and flies blindly
in the face
of medical and psychological fact, in favor of prejudicial
ignorance.
The men involved are now pushing to take the case to the
European
court of human rights. They need any and all assistance. An
organization named Countdown on Spanner was formed to
pursue the
appeal as far as necessary. Countdown on Spanner can be
reached via
Snail Mail; C/O Central Station 37 Wharfdale Road London N1
Great
Britain Please include a SAE. Or contact via e-mail:
phas@siva.bris.ac.uk
Another situation demanding attention is the censorship
being
practiced by Canadian customs. Canada has no First
Amendment, and
Customs has been seizing gay and lesbian erotica,
especially
SM-related material, and preventing it from reaching
bookstores in
Canada. This arbitrary action has made it very difficult
for many of
these bookstores to survive. The Canadian government, via
Customs, is
silencing the voices of those who want to talk about their
sexuality.
Little Sisters Bookstore in Vancouver is suing Customs,
asserting that
Customs should not have the right to seize books on
suspicion of
obscenity. If the case is won, obscenity will have to be
determined
by the courts, not by Customs. It is not at all certain
that the case
will be won; a recent Supreme Court decision in Canada used
language
from American anti-porn activist Catherine MacKinnon to
define
pornography as material that is "violent" or "degrading" to
women.
Such laws can be used to keep ANY SM-related material from
ever being
published--which is exactly the intent. MacKinnon and
Andrea Dworkin
have repeatedly pushed for such legislation in the United
States as
well. The Canada case is thus very relevant for Americans
into SM.
If you can contribute, please write to Little Sisters
Defense Fund,
1221 Thurlow Street, Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
V6E 1X4. The
case will be expensive, and help is badly needed.
America has its share of official persecution of SM, though
not so
seriously as in the Spanner case. SM clubs are still
associated by
the media with unsafe sex, whether or not the club requires
safe sex
(as almost all do). Of course, the current ignorance of
consensual SM
in America leads to regular prosecution of people producing
erotic
material, whether videos, magazines, or pictures. Legal
fees from
obscenity proceedings brought by the government can put a
small
producer or publisher out of business before the case ever
comes to
trial. For example, movies involving bondage together with
sex are
essentially censored in this country, because of such
government
action. Self-righteous dictators such as the Rev. Donald
Wildmon
exploit untruths about SM to help them determine what may
and may not
be shown in the media.
Most of all, learn for yourself about the realities of SM,
as opposed
to the myths. And speak out against oppression born out of
ignorance.
31. Why are there so many postings about
{whipping/pain/slavery/gay
sex/nonconsensuality/etc} on a.s.b? Doesn't that stuff
belong
somewhere else?
Every now and then, someone posts to a.s.b asking why there
are so
many postings about some topic that's not straightforward
bondage.
Wouldn't it be a good idea to split the group, so the
{gays/heavy
players/people into whipping} could go off and be by
themselves?
Wasn't alt.sex.bondage created for the purpose of
discussing bondage?
The answers are no and no. a.s.b was created in response to
a joke
that turned serious. The group has no explicit charter, and
no set of
guidelines as to what is and is not appropriate.
What a.s.b has evolved into (and actually has always been)
is, as the
intro to this FAQ states, a group for discussing "ways to
have sex
that are outside the mainstream". This is an awfully wide
descrip-
tion. There is room underneath it for discussing everything
from "how
do I tie someone up?" to "how can I play with razors
safely?" to
"what's it like to love someone of your sex?"
The inevitable consequence of this is that people sometimes
get
exposed to material that squicks them. That's life in the
big net.
There is no guarantee that everything on a.s.b will suit
your personal
interests. The general rule of the net applies here in
spades: if you
don't like it, hit "n" and ignore it. It's guaranteed that
there are
many many out there who _do_ like it. Remember, limits are
relative;
many of the "heavy players" you read about started as
novices them-
selves, and the person who just described their intense
whipping scene
may be unable to handle even the lightest tickling... food
for
thought!
I just finished reading a few stories about nonconsensual
rape and
sadistic murder that were posted netwide. I personally
disliked those
stories. Do I think they're appropriate for a.s.b? Not
really. Can
I stop them from being posted? Nope. Can I ignore them?
Hell yes.
Remember, a story is a fantasy that someone bothered to
write
down... and fantasies can't hurt anybody--if you don't like
it, ignore
it! That is certainly more productive than flaming the
person who
wrote it.
Can the ferment of different topics and views on a.s.b
degenerate into
chaos? Yes, and it sometimes does. But more frequently, the
mixing
of interests and ideas generates a really wonderful
dialogue out of
which new knowledge and fantasy is born. Novices pipe up
with
questions that spark an insightful reply by an old-timer.
Old-timers
post about some experience that gets lurkers' juices
flowing
everywhere. Someone who knows a lot about one kind of play
tries
something new and posts about it. And the words flow on and
on.
a.s.b works, like no other group I know of on the net. So
don't be
too hasty with that "n" key... you might learn something!
32. I'm sick of certain topics on a.s.b. How can I avoid
them?
a.s.b, like all Usenet groups, has its share of flame wars.
Many of
them revolve around questions of whether particular BDSM
activities
are healthy or not (the usual answer: "They're risky, but
it's
possible to do them safely and beneficially, and many
people do"), or
whether alt.sex.bondage is a heterosexist group or not (I'm
not gonna
tackle _that_ one here, yet). One common feature of all,
though, is
that some people get burned out on reading all the hundreds
of
articles in the thread.
The solution? Most newsreading programs support a tool
called a "kill
file", which is a list of subjects and/or authors that you
are NOT
interested in and never want to look at. Different
newsreaders have
different ways of using killfiles. I use rn, so my example
will refer
to it. (If you use a different program, see the
documentation for
that program.
To add a particular subject (say, "FAQ List") to your
killfile in rn,
go to alt.sex.bondage When you are reading the group, type
^K
(control-K). This will put you into an editor which is
editing your
killfile for alt.sex.bondage. Type the following:
/FAQ List/h:j
then exit your editor. What that line says is "junk any
articles
which contain the text `FAQ List' in the header." Replace
"FAQ List"
with the subject you dislike or the user ID of the person
you no
longer wish to read, and presto, your blood pressure will
be much
happier.
I've been told the following about the "gnus" newsreader:
"In gnus,
from the subject buffer, on an article from the person you
wish to
kill: type meta-k [gnus-Subject-edit-local-kill], C-c C-k
C-a
[gnus-Kill-file-kill-by-author], C-c C-a
[gnus-Kill-file-apply-
buffer], C-c C-c [gnus-Kill-file-exit]." "C-a" stands for
"control-A", and "meta-k" stands for "escape-K." The text
in brackets
isn't stuff you should type; it's just explanation of what
each set of
keystrokes means.
If you use nn, track down a post written by the victim to
be
killfiled, and just hit 'K' (capital-K). Follow the
somewhat cryptic
prompts, and respond according to your needs. For example:
nn gives you you respond
------------ -----------
AUTO (k)ill or (s)elect [...] k
AUTO KILL on (s)ubject or (n)ame [...] n
KILL Name: (=/) /
KILL Name (regexp): FAQ List
KILL in (g)roup 'alt.sex.bondage' or
in (a)ll groups a
Lifetime of entry in days (p)ermanent [...] p [or 21915 to
25568]
CONFIRM KILL Name perm regexp: FAQ List y
If you use tin, you can either hand-edit .tin/kill
(instructions
should be given in that file), or you can hit control-K
while reading
any article. This will toss a nice menu on the screen. Just
follow
the prompts. For example:
tin gives you you respond
------------- -----------
Kill type: Kill [return/enter]
Kill text pattern: FAQ List [return/enter]
Apply pattern to: [spacebar until "Subject: & From:
lines" appears, then hit
return]
Kill Subject [...]: No [return/enter]
Kill From [...]: No [return/enter]
Kill pattern scope: [spacebar until appropriate
choice appears, then
hit return]
Two pieces of jargon related to kill files: Sometimes you
will see
someone responding to something egregiously stupid (in the
responder's
opinion) said by someone else. The response may look like,
"Ho, hum.
" What is plonk? Plonk is the sound of someone being
dropped
into a kill file; the respondent is announcing that they
are
permanently killfiling the original poster. Other times, a
poster may
be annoying lots and lots of people on a.s.b, and someone
will post
something like "Everyone PISS on this guy!" PISS stands for
Passive
Intentional Silence Strike, and basically means that
everyone should
just ignore the poster, rather than arguing and/or flaming.
The idea
is that if the person can't get a rise out of anyone, they
will get
bored and leave. It very often works, too... or at least it
reduces
the wasted bandwidth.
33. I don't have access to alt.sex.bondage; what can I do
to get
information about the scene?
A question I've been getting more and more often as my FAQ
spreads
outwards into the world is, "I can't read alt.sex.bondage,
but the
stuff you talk about in your FAQ sounds really interesting.
Are there
any ways for me to access alt.sex.bondage, or do you know
of any SM
groups or BBS'es near me?"
First off: unless you have access to a system which gets
USENET news,
and alt.sex.bondage in particular, there is no way for you
to read
alt.sex.bondage. There are no mailing-list gateways or FTP
archives
of alt.sex.bondage. There may be public-access net sites in
your area
which you could use to access a.s.b.
Second: I don't track very many local SM organizations,
beyond the
ones I mention at the end of this FAQ. So please don't ask
me for
information beyond what's contained here.
HOWEVER: There is a way you can get answers to your
questions! If you
have email access to the Internet, you can use an
"anonymous posting
service". A posting service is a program running on some
Internet-connected computer. You can send email to the
service, and
it will remove your userid from the email, append a
newly-generated
anonymous userid, and post your email to alt.sex.bondage!
Anyone can
send you mail in response, and the service will forward it
to you. So
if you have questions about SM resources in your area, use
an
anonymous posting service to send your question to a.s.b
(for example,
"I can't read alt.sex.bondage, but I'd like to know whether
there are
any SM groups in Vancouver. Please reply by email"). You
will
definitely get more responses than you would any other way.
(Of course, if you _can_ read a.s.b but don't want to post
under your
real name, you can use a posting service for that; that's
what they're
mainly for.)
Anonymous posting services come and go, but here is the big
one (as of
September 1994): "help@anon.penet.fi" "???WIZVAX???". Send
mail to
this address for more information. You can apparently post
articles
non-anonymously by sending them via email to
alt.sex.bondage.usenet@decwrl.dec.com or
alt-sex-bondage@cs.utexas.edu
(or just about any other group for that matter...at least
the ones
that are common/current).
34. What are some books/magazines/organizations/stores/news
archives
where I can get SM information or toys, or meet people in
the scene?
First off, I don't have the time to track electronic
resources--
archive servers, FTP sites, etc.--since they come and go on
an almost
daily basis. If you want to reach any archive servers or
suchlike,
you'll need to post to a.s.b (anonymously, if you wish) to
ask where
they are this week.
That said, read on to find out where you can get SM stuff
or learn SM
tricks or meet SM people!
This list is (permanently and congenitally) incomplete and
needs all
the entries it can find--address corrections especially
appreciated.
Other groups that are in some ways related to a.s.b are
alt.sex.
spanking (for folks who are into that in particular),
alt.sex.fetish.
fashion (for lovers of sexy clothes), alt.sex.stories
(often there are
SM-related stories posted there), and so forth.
Nonfiction books: (If you liked this FAQ, you will very
likely enjoy
these books. These describe consensual SM as I have been
using the
term in this FAQ, and are all excellent resources for
learning.)
Pat Califia, _Sensuous Magic_ (New York, Masquerade Books,
1993).
ISBN 1-56333-131-4, softcover. Pat Califia is a legendary
writer
about SM behavior and SM fantasy. This is her latest book
and I
recommend it unhesitatingly. It is in my opinion hands-down
the best
how-to book about SM, combining fictional vignettes with
sincere,
quality information delivered as effectively as possible.
If you are
into SM, you will learn from this book; and if you liked
this FAQ but
want more details, this is THE BOOK for you. Order it from
Good
Vibrations (see the store list below).
_Different Loving_, by Gloria G. Brame, William D. Brame,
and Jon
Jacobs (Villard Books, New York, 1993, ISBN 0-679-40873-8),
is a
thorough, non-judgmental work describing all aspects of SM
sexuality.
There are hundreds of interviews and lots and lots of
accurate
information. If you ever wondered whether there was anyone
out there
as kinky as you, buy this book, and know you're not alone.
It's a
survey, not a how-to, but there's lots of safety
information in it
anyway. 539 pages! The more of it I read, the more
impressed I've
become.
A brief and excellent introduction to safe SM is _The
Lesbian S/M
Safety Guide_, edited by Pat Califia and published by Lace
Publications (an imprint of Alyson Publications). There is
information in here on everything from physical safety to
emotional
issues to negotiating with bottoms to consensual slave
contracts.
It's written about lesbians, but very little of the
information is
actually gender-specific. Excellent.
Larry Townsend's _The Leatherman's Handbook II_. This is
fairly
widely available, and is by all accounts the best resource
for gay
male SM information. I personally have never read it, but
it's widely
known. (The first edition is still available, but II
contains more
information about AIDS and safer sex, so it's probably what
you want.)
_On the Safe Edge: A Manual For SM Play,_ by Trevor
Jacques, with Dr.
Dale, Michael Hamilton, and Sniffer. ISBN: 1-895857-05-8
(pbk.) This
new book comes recommended by many reputable and
knowledgeable people
in the scene. It's a how-to with lots and lots of safety
information.
To order directly, call WholeSM Publishing (SAN S1196111)
at: (416)
962 1040 (after October 17th.) or you can reach the authors
at
72624.3533@CompuServe.com
_Coming to Power_, by SAMOIS, published by Alyson Press.
This is a
book about lesbian SM, written by a former Bay Area women's
collective. It has a huge spectrum of pieces from hot
fantasy to
personal history to political pronouncement. Very
worthwhile for all
who are interested in SM, lesbian or otherwise.
Mark Thompson (editor), _Leatherfolk_, Alyson Press. An
EXCELLENT
anthology about the SM scene in America, from the 1930s
through the
present. Focuses mainly on the gay and lesbian SM
communities, but
contains much worthwhile material for anyone interested in
any aspects
of SM.
_Learning the Ropes: A Basic Guide to Safe and Fun S/M
Lovemaking_, by
Race Bannon, Daedalus Publishing Co., 4470-107 Sunset
Blvd., Suite
375, Los Angeles, CA 90027. Available by mail from the
publisher @
$12.95 + $2.50 s/h (CA residents add 8.25% sales tax). Race
is a
well- known figure in the SM scene, and by all accounts
this book is
quite comprehensive, describing all aspects of safe SM from
the
physical to the spiritual. If you liked this FAQ, I'd guess
you'd
like this book.
_SM 101_, published by Jay Wiseman, PO Box 1261, Berkeley,
CA 94701.
$19.95 will get you this book, which is one of the most
thorough and
in-depth explorations of SM safety and SM practice I have
had the
pleasure to read. I would consider this book very valuable
for anyone
who is wondering "how do I get started?"--Jay has many
relatively
specific examples and tips on how to make your scenes
delightful and
memorable. He's an opinionated guy, but then aren't we all?
Jack Morin, _Anal Pleasure and Health_, Down There Press,
Burlingame,
CA. This book has the complete lowdown on all aspects of
anal sex--
safety, hygiene, emotional issues, you name it. Extremely
valuable
information, well presented.
Robert J. Stoller, _Pain and passion: a psychoanalyst
explores the
world of S&M,_ 1991, New York et al.: Plenum, X, 306
pp. ISBN
0-306-43770-8. I've heard that this book does an excellent
job of
revisiting (and refuting) the common Freudian biases
against SM, in
spite of several far-from-objective judgmental sections.
Two other psychoanalytic books dealing with SM (neither of
which I've
read) are _Dark Eros_ by Thomas Moore and _Masochism_ by
Lyn Cowan.
_Sadomasochism in Everday Life: The Dynamics of Power and
Powerlessness_, Lynn S. Chancer, 1992, publisher
momentarily unknown
(but soon to be added), ISBN 0-8135-1808-3. Chancer's book
takes a
long, hard look at the many social contexts in which one
group
exercises power abusively over another. It's a fascinating
perspective from which to analyze racism, sexism, etc., and
there is a
fair amount of material about BDSM in the sense it's been
described in
this FAQ.
_Ties that Bind: The SM/Leather/Fetish Erotic Style_ by Guy
Baldwin,
M.S. I'm lacking complete bibliographic information for
this book,
which is too bad, as it's a standout. Baldwin is a
therapist who sees
many people in the SM community. He has a unique healer's
perspective
on many of the emotional and psychological issues that
arise for
people in the scene. If you are doing a lot of thinking
about whether
SM is right for you, or if you're working on your SM with
your partner
and you want another point of view, do yourself a COLOSSAL
favor and
buy this book. (You can order it from Mr. S Leathers, or
from QSM.)
_The Sexually Dominant Woman, A Workbook for Nervous
Beginners_, by
Lady Green. (Lady Green's book is supposed to be very good
for those
who barely know where to begin.)
Fiction books: (Not all of the scenarios in these books are
what I
would call consensual SM, but as stated earlier, fantasies
are not
reality, and neither are erotic stories. Don't take these
books as
seriously as you would the ones above. Hopefully everyone
is now
thinking, "Well, duh! Obviously!")
Anne Rice has written a number of books with SM themes. As
A. N.
Roquelaure, she released the Sleeping Beauty Trilogy: _The
Claiming of
Sleeping Beauty_, _Beauty's Punishment_, and _Beauty's
Release_, in
which the hero and heroine are subjected to all kinds of
wonderfully
sensual torments. Something for just about everyone. Also
widely
available is _Exit to Eden_, under the name Ann Rampling;
the first
part of the book is the most SM-y.
Anything written by Pat Califia (_Macho Sluts_, _Doc and
Fluff_,
_Sapphistry_, and her new book _Melting Point_). Alyson
Publica-
tions (40 Plympton St., Boston, MA 02118, (800) 8-ALYSON)
publishes
her stuff. She's very well known in the scene and she is a
hot (as in
boiling-glowing-volcanic-nuclear-SUPERHOT) writer. Be
warned, though;
_Doc and Fluff_ in particular is not for the faint of
heart! If what
you want is SM erotica, _Macho Sluts_ or _Melting Point_
are the
ticket.
_Leatherwomen_, edited by Laura Antoniou, Rosebud Press,
ISBN
1-563-33095-4. $4.95 at most book stores or direct order
from
(800)458-9640. This new paperback is an anthology of S/M
fiction by
women. It's very very hot stuff! Some of the fiction in
this book
rivals Pat Califia's work, which is high praise indeed. Get
it.
_The Slave_, Sara Adamson, Rhinoceros Press, 1994, ISBN
1-56333-173-X.
A surprisingly straightforward look at a woman's search
for--and
discovery of--a dream life of servitude. I enjoyed it
greatly, and
not only was it hot, it made me think. Recommended. Her
earlier book
in the trilogy, _The Marketplace_, is also excellent.
Some guest recommendations:
"_Masochism_ (New York: Zone Books, 1991). This book
consists of a
translation of Leopold von Sacher-Masoch's _Venus_in_Furs_,
prefaced
by a long essay, 'Coldness and Cruelty,' by the French
philosopher
Gilles Deleuze. To quote the dust jacket: 'Deleuze's
stunning essay
is an attempt to restore to Masoch's work the rigorous and
informed
philosophical examination that is due it.'.... I think
Deleuze shows
that Masoch has a lot more to say to the BDSM community
than Sade
does."
"Pleasure and Danger: Exploring Female Sexuality (Carol
Vance, ed.)
The Scholar and Feminist Conference at Barnard in 1982 was
almost
ripped apart when politically correct feminists tried to
suppress
feminists who wanted the freedom to enjoy power exchange.
This is a
collection of papers and talks from this watershed of the
Woman's
Movement.
"S&M: Studies in Sadomasochism (Thomas Weinberg and
G.W. Kamel, eds)
This is a collection of essays on the nature, origin and
development
of what they call sadomasochism. Some are decent; some have
points of
interest; a number are so far off the mark as to be
laughable.
"A Taste for Pain: On Masochism and Female Sexuality (Maria
Marcus)
The author, a self-admitted masochist, explores the
existing
literature on sadomasochism from a very personal,
insightful point of
view."
Three sources for people who are into spanking in
particular:
CF Publications, PO Box 713, E Setauket, NY 11733.
Newsletters, stories, fiction.
CD Publishing Corp., 213 Valley St, Ste 228, South Orange,
NJ 07079
Information, newsletters, personal ads.
Shadow Lane, PO Box 1910, Studio City, CA
One of the best, with lots of materials, videos, et al.
Videos:
_Safe, Sane, Consensual SM_ is a documentary consisting of
interviews
with 20 experienced SM players, discussing their
experiences and
viewpoints. I know several of the people interviewed, and
what they
have to say is very worth hearing. $49.95 + $5 S&H;
California
residents add applicable sales tax. You must state that you
are over
21. B&D Video Production and Distribution Company,
2215-R Market
Street #214, San Francisco, CA 94114, (415) 863-0199 (call
for
quantity discounts).
Jay Edwards Collection/Close-Up Productions/John Floyd
Productions,
P.O. Box 691658, Los Angeles, CA 90069. These companies
release
various heterosexual bondage videos, mostly with women as
the bottoms.
Very popular.
_Learning the Ropes,_ Ona Zee Productions, P.O. Box 9951,
Marina Del
Rey, CA 90295. Ona and her husband Frank have put together
seven
(going on eight) instructional videos about BDSM, on topics
from
bondage to dildoes to whips and hot wax. I've heard they're
very
worth getting.
Act quick and get in on this: "We (Corporation for
Multicultural Arts
and Entertainment Broadcasting, a new non profit
orginization) are
currently producing a television program called Alien Death
Squad. It
features bondage/fetish gear from around the world,
bondage/fetish
mags i.e <<O>>, Skin Two ect.., Bondage fetish
clubs from around the
world, Anime, Live Action, Computer animations and demo's,
music
video's, and other cyberculture items. If you have any
video footage
, magazines, periodicals, news, or info we would like to
see it and
possibly air it. Also if you would like to join the Alien
Death Squad
send us email to Cybortronik@pan.com to keep up to date on
the TV
show, plus other special offers. Video formats we accept
are 3/4 inch,
VHS, SVHS. Printed material will be scanned and put into
computer
slide show."
Magazines:
_Sandmutopia Guardian_, by Desmodus, Inc., P. O. Box
410390, San
Francisco, CA 94141-0390, (415) 252-1195. $24 for six
issues
(US/Canada). A very good how-to magazine, focusing on the
basics of
SM play (lots of reader articles and B&W pictures),
with lots of
listings of clubs around the US. The magazine was having
trouble for
a while, but a new editor (Pat Califia) is once again
making it into a
factual, detailed reference magazine like no other. Get all
the back
issues you possibly can.
_Skin Two_, Freepost, 23 Grand Union Centre, Kensal Rd,
London W10
5BR. A VERY classy magazine, all glossy with excellent
articles and
photos, with lots of emphasis on latex but good material
for anyone
into SM, as well as a HUGE section of magazine, book, and
store
listings in the back of every issue. They take credit card
orders at
081 968 9692. Highly recommended.
_Brat Attack_, P.O. Box 40754, San Francisco, ,CA
94140-0754. A
magazine by SM dykes, and mostly for SM dykes, though the
writing is
smart and funny no matter what your crotch looks like. Subs
are 10
bucks/3 issues. Fish, the founder, was looking to sell it,
last I
heard.
_Body Play and Modern Primitives Quarterly_, Insight Books,
P.O. Box
2575, Menlo Park, CA 94026-2575. This magazine, published
and edited
by the celebrated Fakir Musafar, has monthly articles on
subjects from
corseting and wasit training to tattoos, piercings, and
intense SM
practices. Very well produced. Subs are $45/4 issues. [May
be
defunct.]
_Frighten the Horses_, Heat Seeking Publishing, 41 Sutter
St. #1108,
San Francisco, CA 94104. FtH has only gotten bigger and
more inter-
esting with every issue; each has a good balance of
non-fiction (quite
often actively political) pieces, sexy fiction for ALL
kinds of
tastes, and news and reviews of the sexual revolution. Subs
are $16/4
issues. Unfortunately spotty publication record recently.
_Bad Attitude_, P.O. Box 39110, Cambridge, MA 02139. Bigger
than
_Brat Attack_, and mostly fiction, again by SM dykes. Some
very
strong and gripping stuff. $24/6 issues.
<<O>>, c/o Dream Dresser, Inc., 1042 Wisconsin
Ave., N.W., Washington,
DC 20007. <<O>> is for those who love latex.
Some of the most
beautiful fetish photography I've ever seen. Subs are $150
for six
(legal-size, full-color glossy, 80-page) issues.
_Venus Infers_, 2215-R Market Street, Suite 294, San
Francisco, CA
94114. $8/issue. This is a new, smart, hot S/M magazine by
lesbians
for (mostly) lesbians. It's got art, it's got writing, it's
got good
design. It's got what it takes. Recommended.
Organizations:
First of all, people who read a.s.b or other SM mailing
lists often
form social groups in local areas. Sometimes these groups
have
meetings which are open to anyone who wants to swing by.
The best way
to find out about these is to post to a.s.b (see question
31 if need
be) and ask whether there's one in your area.
Science fiction cons also often have play parties, which
are usually
announced on the net beforehand, and sometimes discreetly
advertised
at the con. This is another reasonable way to meet people
in the
scene.
There are various regional organizations which continually
fluc-
tuate. Look in the back of the _Sandmutopia Guardian_ or
_Skin Two_;
they generally include a list in every issue. And look up
your local
adult toy store or leather store; they may have leads on
any SM groups
near you. Look around--there are lots of people out there
who like
this stuff! Here are some of the best-known and
most-established SM
organizations:
QSM, PO Box 882242, SF CA 94188. QSM is the best
organization in the
world for learning about SM. QSM holds many different
classes and
workshops on all aspects of SM. Write to them to get on
their mailing
list or to preregister for classes--they also have an
extensive list
of books and magazines available by mail order (all the
books and
magazines listed above, and then some!).
The Southbay Leather and Uniform Group (SLUG) is an
omnisexual club
whose purpose is to promote educational, social, and
charitable
activities among people with an interest in Levis, leather,
and
uniforms--and all that usually goes with them! The address
is SLUG,
Billy De Frank Center, 175 Stockton Avenue, San Jose, CA
95126, (408)
929-SLUG.
The Eulenspiegel Society, PO Box 2783, Grand Central
Station, New
York, NY 10163-2783, 212-388-7022. A long-running club for
SMers on
the right coast. Well known. They put out a quarterly
64-page
newsletter, as well as another magazine for leatherfolk of
color.
Weekly meetings.
The Society of Janus, PO Box 426794, San Francisco, CA
94142.
Organization in the SF Bay Area, open to all genders and
persuasions.
Janus is a very safe organization for novices to join. They
are aware
of anonymity issues, and hold a variety of workshops and
social
events, as well as publish a monthly newsletter.
Threshold, 2554 Lincoln Blvd, Suite 381, Marina Del Rey, CA
90291,
(310) 371-6504. This LA-area group is the best-known
pansexual SM
organization in Southern California, and holds a variety of
events
from educational to social to political.
BackDrop Club,PO Box 390486, Mountain View, CA 94039-0486.
Office:
415-965-4499, BBS: 415-964-3100, FAX: 415-964-3879. A
4,000-member
club, with their own large clubhouse, BBS, and reference
library.
They say they are open to people of all sexes and
sexualities who
share an interest in SM; play parties, social events,
support and
discussion all take place through BackDrop.
The Black Rose, in the Washington DC area. (301) 369-7667
(voicemail
number with address information). A pansexual SM support
group with
meetings every Tuesday night. They hold a social event once
a month,
open to those who've attended at least two weekly meetings.
There are
also subgroups (one is women-only).
Chicagoland Discussion Group, 3023 N. Clark St #806,
Chicago, IL
60657-5205, 24-hour info-line 312-281-1097. A pansexual
SM/fetish
group, with events, a newsletter, parties, and outreach. A
wide
variety of interests are represented.
LUXURIA, PO BOX 53063, Ottawa, ON, K1N 1C5; (613)567-9033.
A
pan-sexual-orientation & kink group whose main focus is
networking and
info exchange. There's a magazine, phone line, and BBS echo
dedicated
to it.
APEX, the Arizona Power Exchange, 5821 North 67th Avenue,
Suite
103-276, Glendale, Arizona 85301. We are a pansexual,
panfetish
support and social group, for people with
dominant/submissive desires,
treating the S/M, B&D and fetish experience with
acceptance, respect
and dignity. For meeting locations, please call (602)
906-0851.
The National Leather Association, 584 Castro Street #444,
San Fran-
cisco, CA 94114-2500, (415) 863-2444. A nationwide group
open to
everyone into leather/SM. The NLA has many local chapters;
there's
probably one in your area! They hold social events, support
groups,
political rallies, and lots more besides. If you want to
meet other
like-minded people, the NLA's a fine place to start.
San Francisco Sex Information, (415) 621-7300. SFSI is a
volunteer
information and referral service for all aspects of human
sexuality--
SM included! If you have a question about some scene you've
done or
are considering doing, and you want to talk to someone who
can answer
your questions anonymously and nonjudgmentally, give us a
call! (I'm
a volunteer, and it's really great!) In fact, if you have a
question
about ANY aspect of human sexuality, we can help. The lines
are open
3 to 9 p.m. Pacific time, Monday through Friday, and from 3
to 9 most
Sundays as well.
Atlanta S/M Solidarity, P.O. Box 8361, Atlanta, GA 31106. A
Georgia
group of SM enthusiasts, with workshops, socials, etc.
The D&S Society of Baltimore, DSSB@aol.com, P.O. Box
20248, Towson, MD
21284-0248. Information line (410) 385-3331. A Pansexual
BDSM
support group with events and meetings the first 2 Friday's
of the
month and a members only Social on the 3rd Friday of the
month; also a
newsletter.
Mail-order houses:
Most of these places require you to state that you're 21 or
over when
ordering. (This list in particular could use all the
expansion it can
get, since I know little about toy stores outside the SF
Bay Area.
Send me your favorite local shops' addresses, and I'll put
'em in
here!)
As I mentioned above, QSM does mail-order of books and
magazines.
Good Vibrations, 1210 Valencia, San Francisco, CA 94110,
(800)
BUY-VIBE (289-9423), goodvibe@well.sf.ca.us (yes, they are
on the
Internet!). An excellent non-sleazy erotica store,
woman-owned, with
lots of good books and magazines about sex and a nice
selection of
basic sex toys. If you want to order any of the books in
this FAQ,
you could likely get them from here--and if not from here,
from QSM.
Not an SM store, but a good one nonetheless. Send them $5
for
first-class-mailed catalogs of their books and toys.
Mr. S Leathers, 310 7th St., San Francisco, CA 94103, (415)
863-7764.
Possibly the best-stocked store for SM equipment in the
world. Lots
and lots of really well-made bondage gear, including metal
shackles
and leather straightjackets, and a HUGE handcuff selection,
not to
mention amazing amounts of leather and rubber clothing.
They have
just completed a two-volume 160-page
gorgeously-photographed catalog
of all of their wares; it's available for $15.
Leather Masters, 969 Park Avenue, San Jose, CA 95126, (408)
293-7660.
Leather Masters is a toy store featuring custom leather,
cleaning and
alterations, novelties and cards, body piercing, B&D
equipment,
videos, and latex. Mail order catalog and newsletter are
available.
Northbound Leather, 19 St. Nicholas St., Toronto, Ontario
M4Y 1W5. +1
416 972-1037. This is an up-and-coming leather store with
an
excellent reputation for quality and for unusual latex and
leather
good. Two *very* nice catalogues (one clothing, one toys)
at $10
each, applicable towards purchase. Fit guaranteed for mail
order if
their (very detailed) measurement instructions are
followed.
Slimwear of America, P.O. Box 997, Eastsound, WA 98245,
(206)376-5213
(machine), (206)376-5231 (fax). A widely-known supplier of
rubber-
wear and assorted latexery. Clothes catalog $17.50,
hood/gag listing
$6.00, both $22.00 postpaid.
Heartwood Whips of Passion, 412 N. Coast Hwy. #210, Laguna
Beach, CA
92651. Some of the best leather whips and floggers to be
found,
anywhere. Jeanne's whips are works of art, whether they're
being used
or not.
Bondage, James Bondage, Inc. 7926 Woodvale Cir., Tampa, FL
33615,
(813) 443-3658. Purveyors of assorted bondage gear, videos,
and
magazines, I believe.
JT Toys, Inc., (800) 755-TOYS, jttoys@world.std.com. JT
(Joel Tucker
by name) has an excellent selection of quality SM equipment
and prices
lower than any. Plus he's a great guy to do business with.
Cecilia Tan, a long-time presence on a.s.b, now has a
business:
Circlet Press Mail Order Books, P.O. Box 15143, Boston, MA
02215. She
says they carry all manner of kinky and erotic fiction and
nonfiction,
specializing in leather/fetishes/SM. A catalog is free with
a 29-cent
SASE or by email (she's ctan@world.std.com).
Constance Enterprises Ltd., PO Box 43079, Upper Montclair,
NJ 07043.
Also Dressing for Pleasure, 590 Valley Road, Upper
Montclair, NJ,
(201) 746-5466. An upscale business, selling fashions and
toys for
people into BDSM.
Il Bolero, 6846-6842 St-Hubert St., Montreal, Quebec,
Canada H2S 2M6,
(514) 270-6065. Don't know much about this store except
that it's got
a lot of Northbound Leather's stuff.
Bon-Vue Enterprise, Inc., owned and operated by Bill and
Debbie Majors
(who sometimes post to a.s.b), produces B&D videos,
magazines, comics,
art portfolios, pocket books, and other products; most of
their stuff
is male dom/female sub. They also operate the Hedonism BBS
at (310)
631-7697. A catalog is $5.00 and can be obtained from:
Bon-Vue
Enterprises, Inc., P.O. Box 92889, Long Beach, CA 90803.
They offer a
total satisfaction guarantee policy that is "unique in the
adult
industry". Phone: (310) 631-1600.
BR Creations in Mountain View makes custom-made
corsets--P.O. Box
4201, Mountain View, CA 94040, catalog $5. Excellent
quality.
Mark I. Chester makes spandex body bags and hoods; he's at
P. O. Box
|42501, SF, CA 94101, (415) 621-6294.
For a sharp touch, get some Vampire Gloves from Leonard at
Lucifer's
Armory. Contact ixion@dorsai.org, Box 808, 874 Broadway,
New York, NY
10003.
ASLAN LEATHER by Carrie, 363 Sorauren Ave. Box 58, Toronto,
Ontario,
Canada M6R 2G5, (416) 538-9759. Carrie makes non-leather
bondage
equipment, for vegans who eschew animal products in their
toys. (She
also makes leather stuff for the rest of us.)
I'm told that you can call (800) 305-5525 for a catalog of
modern
chastity belts.
The classic magazines of "love bondage" (i.e. pretty women
posing in
lingerie and bondage) are available from Harmony Concepts,
Box 69976,
Los Angeles, CA 90069.
A wide variety of sexy spandex bondage gear is available
from Noelle
Nielson Softwear, Box 69826, Los Angeles, CA 90069. Write
for
information.
Here's a rather hot ad I recently received: "JG Leathers is
a
manufacturer of custom, specialized, leather and rubber
discipline
harnesses. Types include pony- girl or pony-boy full-body
harnesses,
with separate bridle and bit, cow-girl or cow-boy milking
discipline
harnesses. All harnesses designed and manufactured to be
suspension-
capable, and when used in conjunction with speciallY
modified gas
masks can also be used for sensory-deprivation, breathe
control, and
electrical 'aversion therapy' techniques. Standard toys are
also made
to the customer's specifications. Catalogue costs $5.00
usd/$6.50
cad. The address is JG Leathers, 5324 10A Avenue, Delta,
B.C., Canada
V4M 1Y6."
The Naughty Victorian (2315-B Forest Drive, Suite 68,
Annapolis, MD
21401; Tel.: 1-800-778-7428; Fax: 410-626-1879). Offering
"the finest
body of literature, clothing, implements and accessories"
for "the
practice of adult domestic discipline." Catalog available
for $5.
For those who enjoy making their own toys, I'm told that a
great
source for leather hides and tools is the M. Siegel
Company, Inc., 120
Pond Street (Route 126), Ashland, MA 01721. Phone
(508)881-5200, fax
(508)881-5203, orders only (800)932-8956. They keep odd
hours and
have certain minimum-order sizes, so call first.
(If you're in San Francisco, stop by Stormy Leather, 1158
Howard St.,
San Francisco, CA 94103, (415) 626-1672. A woman-owned
store with an
excellent selection of sexy leather and latex clothes, good
basic
bondage gear, and a wonderful magazine and book section.
They cater
to both men and women, so they'll have toys to fit you;
they also do
custom orders. They have unfortunately stopped doing mail
orders.)
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Hope you learned something! Remember, your sexuality is
wonderful;
treasure it and nourish it!